Understanding the Difference: BDSM, Consent, and the Urgent Need for Education:
Understanding the Difference: BDSM, Consent, and the Urgent Need for Education.
By Sarah Wingfield – Trauma Survivor, Author, Advocate.
Image credit - original creator - Australian BDSM art - > image depicts a woman laid on her front fully clothed and wearing a latex suit with cat ears, she has heels and a ball-gag in her mouth, black eyeliner and is tied together with rope play known as shibari. <
In recent conversations, especially following a thought-provoking piece of BDSM-themed art I shared, I've found myself engaging in critical discussions about abuse, trauma, and consent. As someone living with CPTSD and an advocate working with safeguarding legislation and trauma charities, I want to make something very clear:
Consent is not the same as coercion.
And this misunderstanding is at the heart of a widespread and dangerous problem—one that urgently calls for better education in our schools and communities.
~Abuse vs. BDSM: The Critical Distinction~
Abusers do not need BDSM to be abusive. Many perpetrators falsely present themselves as “dominants” without any real understanding of the values that define the BDSM lifestyle. They twist and distort the culture, creating a version of it that serves their control, not the mutual trust and consent that the community upholds.
True BDSM is rooted in:
Mutual consent
Trust and respect
Clear boundaries and safewords
Emotional safety
When any of these elements are absent, it is no longer BDSM—it is abuse.
~Coercion is Not Consent~
Many survivors, including myself, have been coerced into acts under the guise of “submission.” This is not what the BDSM community stands for. It’s crucial to understand that:
> Being pressured, manipulated, or guilted into compliance is not giving consent.<
I’ve worked with charities that support survivors and educate about safeguarding. Time and again, I see the same tragic pattern—people mistaking trauma bonds and manipulation for consent. This is why we must teach young people about boundaries, red flags, and their right to say “no.”
~The Role of Art and Controversy~
The image I shared was not a depiction of abuse. It was a consensual representation of submission, a form of expression that many find empowering. Yet, the backlash was swift, with some accusing it of promoting violence against women.
To that I ask: Are we demonising the image, or are we conflating it with our personal trauma and miseducation about BDSM?
Art can be controversial. It should spark dialogue. But it’s vital we distinguish between personal discomfort and actual harm. In the BDSM world, rope play, name calling, power dynamics—all these can be part of consensual kink. Many people, including trauma survivors, find healing through reclaiming power in these spaces.
~Abuse Happens Outside BDSM Too~
Let me be clear: my last rape had nothing to do with BDSM.
Abuse exists in every community and every dynamic.
It’s not exclusive to kink. It’s about power, control, and the abuser’s disregard for another’s autonomy.
As a survivor of repeated abuse, I’ve studied behavioural psychology, safeguarding, and trauma response to better understand why these patterns persist. The common thread in all forms of abuse? A lack of respect for boundaries and a disregard for another’s humanity.
~Education is the Key to Prevention~
What’s become painfully clear through my advocacy and personal journey is that early education about relationships is critical. Children and teens should be taught:
The difference between consent and coercion.
What trauma bonds and gaslighting look like.
How to recognise emotional manipulation and love bombing.
The importance of self-worth and personal boundaries.
They should also learn about safe resources like the Hollie Guard app and how to intervene safely if they witness abuse.
~Empowering Survivors~
Many women have been taught to “go along” with things—to not make a fuss, to not upset anyone. But we must teach women to say no without guilt. That they are worthy of love, respect, and pleasure that is mutual and desired.
We must move beyond fear and people-pleasing to reclaim our voices. No more enduring abuse for the sake of validation.
~Final Thoughts: What BDSM Should Be~
BDSM, when practiced authentically, is about trust, exploration, and communication. It is not a loophole for abuse, nor a justification for violence.
It involves teamwork. It respects boundaries. It prioritises emotional and physical safety. For many of us, it becomes a healing space—one where we choose our power roles and find freedom in them.
But without proper education, people fall victim to false dominants and toxic dynamics. That’s why I speak up. That’s why I share.
If this message reaches just one person and helps them understand their worth and their right to safety, it will have been worth it.
You are not to blame for what happened to you.
Consent matters. Boundaries matter. YOU matter.
For more on these topics, I invite you to listen to my podcast collaboration with Naarisamata, a London-based charity supporting women and children through trauma recovery and empowerment:
Podcast: Understanding Abuse, Consent, and Reclaiming Power - How to leave an abuser safely. Although directed at women the same applies to men stuck in a toxic dynamic.
https://open.spotify.com/episode/2DkORqdEysdWnTg30kLLmi?si=gGK46P-TSdaAmFmk5WM_vQ
⚠️ Trigger Warning: Domestic Abuse & Violence
With love and solidarity,
Sarah Wingfield Author . 🌹
Author, Advocate, Trauma Warrior
#ConsentMatters #TraumaAwareness #BDSM #Safeguarding #Empowerment #ArtAndExpression #StopAbuse #FeminismIsChoice
