"Happy Book"

 TW: Abuse, bullying 

Point of post: Hope, Healing

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'The happy book ' -S.W.

Ok so when I was a child I used to have and make what I called "happy books" to counteract the fact my life was pretty difficult and painful in general and therefore my diaries became a treasure trove of heartbreak and hope. 

I needed an alternative to my diaries and my reality. Something to balance it out and inspire me to keep going and fight whatever life throws at me. ☯️

I bought little books and I jotted down random thoughts and feelings, poetry, collages of pretty images and things from magazine, inspirational quotes, favourite lines of poems I've read, doodles and art, photography, silly things like a waterproof teabag I'd covered a tea bag in sellotape and laughed at the irony, did daft little things and I wrote my observations down about fellow humans, always generalised so nothing identifiable, and with the eagerness and hope that one day I could understand what made me so different.

I still don't have a 'hundred percent' answer to that question but I'm finding out a lot of things about myself still to this day and I'm on my own life journey and I write and blog and make art and study and I am still always in the process of both trying to be a better 'me' and also accept parts of me that the world told me I should not be. Being outspoken is at the top of the list of what society thinks I should not be.

But I exist regardless of other people's expectations of me and I exist regardless of how others try to tell me my reality. I live it. They don't.

So I accept my differences and I allow myself to be free to speak out about everything and anything to be right or wrong, to evolve and learn and adapt and progress and not everyone thinks social media should be used in such ways but with the fact I was housebound a long time and made to believe I didn't deserve to be a mother, I didn't deserve a husband because I was disabled and I didn't deserve family or friends cause they'd brainwashed and scapegoated me to the point I felt like a problem and every time I tried to do better, be better, show them how good a person I was, they just hated me more; social media has been my everything for a very long time. My only access to other people. My only place to talk or write or vent or create so if I still do that now I'm no longer housebound it's because it just feels right to me. It is right for me. No one has to follow or support me so everyone who doesn't see eye to eye with me or doesn't approve are always welcome to block me or remove me or unfollow me. 

Don't worry I learned a lot and now know that they just didn't understand me and most of it was likely projection or other human feelings and traits and I now know I wasn't a problem.

People had me overthinking to the point I even became a Christian cause I just wanted to be seen and not as someone I wasn't, the poison they spread about me, misunderstandings exaggerated or twisted and used as an excuse to mistreat me or speak to me badly, this is one of the reasons I never defended myself to my first ex husband. I had been convinced I was a problem and I deserved it. I took the abuse and now know how much real life physical torture I can endure before I black out, faint and/or how many head punches I can take from a man that supposedly loved me without blackouts. I still cared about him, saw him at his weakest and supposedly most vulnerable, but I had to accept the fact he could not love me in the ways I needed because he wanted too much to own me, control me and take things out on me. He married after me and I truly hope he worked things out with himself and things changed.

Not everyone is capable of change but I will always hope people learn and change.

I had to leave work that day. Had a concussion.

But I left him.

The single most hardest thing I have ever done. 

I ran away.

Some family supported him. Told him where I'd ran to.

I had to move again.

I've endured and survived a lot more than most would ever be capable of and I still don't treat others badly or see them as tools to benefit from, they're people, with personalities and feelings and they deserve respect.

I won't tolerate disrespect but I will always defend myself, if necessary. 

I prefer honesty. 

I like consistency.

I like real and authenticity.

My happy books were a nice escape of a world I was determined to build and make, a dream world where I had a husband and kids and was a family where I'd meet other mums and make friends and my life would just fall into place. Disability and Doctors Ego's and a corrupt childcare system, prevented me from having that.

At 35 I find myself rebuilding a life yet again. Repairing damage from a past where I put faith and trust in the wrong people, people who saw me not as a person but as a tool. Life is hard.

But I'm always grateful to my happy books. For helping me dream and plan and focus on positives because without that I don't think I'd be who I am today and I certainly recommend this to people who suffer with mental health or depression or past trauma and I'd have loved to have had the money to design and create these wonderful books so I could get them published and people could actually have books o focus on dreams and positives so they can regain a balance in a very unjust world.

I'd go on one of those fundme sites but I have no idea where to even begin with actual book publishing and who knows maybe one day I'd get to make them and offer them as an aid and a help to those who struggle like I did and do and it would help people and help make the world a better place by helping people.

But right now I'm just starting out as an ebook author and although the genre I'm writing my short stories under isn't my main genre or the genre I'd focus on its something I enjoy and it's my name out there and gives me a feel as to how to manage and publish ebooks and helps me gain access and knowledge so I can write longer and more detailed books and create in science-fiction genres, mostly from weird dreams I have as I have so much inspiration for writing from dreams just like Mary Shelley' Frankenstein.

I'm a creative and I'm ready to take my next steps in life and focus on becoming an author.

I hope people will support me on my journey and I truly hope we all make it in this life.

Kind Regards and Love,

As always, from the heart. 🌸

S.W xoxo

Kawaii Doll Decora 🤍

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