DARVO, AuDHD and Why Community Groups Can Become So Difficult

DARVO, AuDHD and Why Community Groups Can Become So Difficult

Community groups are supposed to help people feel connected, informed and safe...

But they can quickly become difficult when personal loyalties, gossip, misunderstandings and group politics take over.

For autistic and ADHD people, those environments can be especially difficult because communication differences are often judged as attitude.

AuDHD people may communicate directly, take words literally, struggle with unspoken social rules, become overwhelmed by conflict or feel a strong need to correct something that is unfair or inaccurate.

That can create a familiar problem:

The original behaviour gets ignored, while the neurodivergent person's reaction becomes the main issue.

That is exactly what happened to me recently, and the person involved used a very recognisable DARVO pattern.

What is DARVO?

DARVO stands for:

Deny — deny, minimise or reframe the behaviour being challenged.

Attack — turn attention onto the person raising the concern by criticising their tone, behaviour, motives or character.

Reverse Victim and Offender — reposition the person being challenged as the victim and the original person raising the concern as the aggressor.

DARVO is not a psychiatric diagnosis. It is a recognised description of a behavioural response pattern.

And in one of my recent interactions in a group, that sequence happened clearly and I stated the facts that that behavioural tactic had been used. It is visible in the documented evidence of the unnecessary and hostile conversation I had to deal with.

I raised an issue about behaviour directed towards me.

First, the behaviour was denied or reframed, and I was then made to question my interpretation because I used a recognised psychological term to describe the exact sequence of behaviour I had just witnessed.

Then the focus moved onto my reaction and my wording instead.

Then the roles were reversed, with the person I had challenged presenting themselves as the one being mistreated and me being positioned as the problem.

That is DARVO.

The original issue became almost irrelevant because suddenly I was expected to defend myself instead.

Another person then stepped in to defend him, while dismissing my perspective, which only reinforced the reversal.

That is where selective empathy becomes dangerous.

Why this is particularly difficult for AuDHD people

Neurodivergent people are frequently judged on communication style rather than intention.

Autistic communication may be direct, factual or literal.

ADHD can make emotional regulation and impulse control harder when someone feels accused, cornered or unfairly treated.

Many AuDHD people also replay conversations afterwards, analyse every sentence and repeatedly try to explain what they actually meant.

That makes DARVO especially exhausting.

You begin by saying:

“This behaviour is affecting me.”

Then suddenly you are explaining your tone, your wording, your personality and why you reacted at all.

None of that means neurodivergent people are exempt from accountability.

I can recognise when I could have worded something differently.

But two things can be true:

I could have responded better.

And:

The behaviour I was responding to was still wrong.

Accountability should never mean allowing somebody else to rewrite the entire conflict around your reaction.

Community groups make this worse

Community groups often have unofficial hierarchies, friendships and loyalties.

People who are well-liked may be given more benefit of the doubt.

People who communicate differently can quickly become labelled as “rude,” “dramatic” or “difficult.”

Then group members sometimes defend whoever they already know or prefer rather than looking objectively at what actually happened.

That is not conflict resolution.

It is social bias.

For disabled and neurodivergent people, exclusion from a community group can also have a practical impact.

These groups can provide information about neighbourhood safety, local incidents, road problems, missing animals or things happening around somebody's home.

So removing someone from that space over interpersonal conflict can mean much more than simply losing access to a chat group.

It can reinforce a message many autistic people already know too well:

You are included until your communication becomes inconvenient.

That is not genuine inclusion.

Selective empathy is not empathy

Another person in the group defended the person using DARVO against me.

That struck me because they were supposedly concerned about his feelings while simultaneously dismissing mine.

If empathy is genuine, it cannot only apply to the person you happen to like more.

You cannot condemn somebody's defensive reaction while ignoring the behaviour that caused it.

Unhealthy behaviour is reinforced when other people excuse it, minimise it or automatically side against the person raising the concern

Context matters.

So does sequence.

Ask:

What happened first?

What behaviour was originally being challenged?

Did the conversation suddenly move onto the person who raised the issue?

Was their tone scrutinised more than the original behaviour?

Did the person being challenged eventually present themselves as the victim instead?

If so, you may be looking at DARVO.

In the end, when the person returned to continue the argument after things had already been resolved, I didn't defend myself again. 

By that point, the roles had already been reversed and I was being drawn back into explaining myself rather than the original behaviour being addressed.

I simply wished them a good night instead and got removed from the group.

Once you recognise the pattern, sometimes the best thing you can do is stop participating in it, so I refused to entertain it.

Community should mean belonging, people forget about the UNITY in it.

It should not mean conformity, social hierarchy or punishing people because they refuse to be intimidated.

I’m proud that I no longer accept disrespect from people who simultaneously demand a level of consideration they are unwilling to show in return.

I’m proud of how much stronger I am at recognising unhealthy group dynamics these days. I had also been paying attention to the way people interacted in the group because I relied on it for local awareness and reassurance when I was alone at my partner’s home.

I can’t use that group in the same way now, so I’d rather turn the experience into something useful by educating people about DARVO. 

When someone uses the term accurately, they should not automatically be dismissed, shamed or treated as though recognising the pattern makes them the problem.

I love what I do - and I love helping people and when bad things happen to you, it's an opportunity to educate others to prevent it happening again.

— Sarah Wingfield

Actor • Author • Advocate

KawaiiDollDecora.uk

#DARVO #AuDHD #Autism #ADHD #Neurodivergent #Community #SelectiveEmpathy #Boundaries #Bullying #SelfAdvocacy #DisabilityAdvocacy #Inclusion

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