I need to do better

 TW: mental health;

I'm so sorry. 🫶

I feel like I've let everyone down again.

I think I need a kick in the butt tbh. 

*Laughs through tears* 

...but I do just want to say a huge thank you so much to those who've been willing to hear me out and try and help.

I'm sorry I'm not used to it and as much as I need friends I'm still ashamed of the fact my disability prevents me from doing a lot of things I wish were done already, like the decluttering of my home. 

As soon as I get energy again I'll be focused on that and if any friends of mine are free soon, please let me know because although I don't have much funds I could do with some social time that's not all work. (I've been preoccupied with this play and learning my lines.)

I think this healing will start with my mind.

I feel like I've messed up, yet again, and I'm so terrible with relationships because I can't fix everything no matter how much love I throw at it, but I do want to change that. I really do. I think that starts with myself and changing and adapting myself again.

Starting with trying to get my self esteem back up because ngl some things that have been said to me over the last year or more by someone I did love, has actually eaten at my self esteem and that's not good and not cool and this is the only person I am and get to be so I need to fix this so I don't hate myself any more than I already do.

Like all living creatures we want to feel attractive, even if to most we aren't. We will be to some no matter what and we need to find someone who compliments us and helps us build ourselves up and feel confident in ourselves.

My anxiety has been taking the wheel recently and I'm not entirely happy about it, like Brandon Boyd sang:

"Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear

And I, I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer

It's driven me before, and it seems to have a vague

Haunting mass appeal

But lately, I'm beginning to find that I

Should be the one behind the wheel

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there

With open arms and open eyes, yeah

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there

I'll be there"

It's hard going through the motions and I need to regulate my emotions and I'm working hard on it.

No more spending time with anyone who makes me feel like I'm not good enough. I always feel useless and like I'm just a burden and yea I fight it but I need to surround myself with people who will give me a slap when I start a pity party and hopefully a laugh after. 😆

I need to sort my head out and I need to sort my life out and I'm unsure if Sertraline is actually doing anything for me at the moment.

I guess all the trauma is catching up to me again and you think you're over something then *wham* comes the feels and memories and you feel like maybe they were right and you deserved it. I need to find out why I'm starting to believe I deserve bad treatment again and I need to get to the root cause before I even consider any relationships in the future.

I want to be an asset to someone, not a chore.

It's just hard accepting the facts that no matter what there's no fixing something. But it is what it is and I need to get over it.

I really do.

Sometimes being kind and sensitive can be so problematic and I definitely need better coping methods.

I'm sorry if I've worried anyone or been bothersome.

I genuinely care about others and I just want my life to become more simple and care-free, instead of everything constantly being a challenge and extremely difficult. I have to fight for everything and anything and I'm already tired because I already have fights with my own body, I just don't always have the energy. 

But I do my best.

Maybe I can make that happen for myself, create a decluttered, more organised, peaceful life, because I'm still newly out of the wheelchair and everything and still adjusting, maybe this is what changes my focus so I can avoid negativity and anything I don't deserve.

Maybe this is my final wake up call.

Cycles need to be broken and I need to be stronger than this.

For myself and for those who genuinely care and love me, quirks and weirdness and all!

S. xoxo

Kawaii Doll Decora 🩷 ✨

#blogging #disability #heartache #trauma #mentalhealth #copingmechanisms #protectyourself #staykind #staybelieving #trustyourself

I blog and vent and rant not just because it helps me to process big things that happen in my life, or because I'm always feeling like a burden and sometimes you think your past abusers were right, but also in the hopes others find some comfort or inspiration or support from it, or feel less alone.

I don't think of myself as better or worse than anyone else, just different, just existing, but if I can be of help to someone then I'm there. Kindness does change the world, and right now I need to be a little kinder to myself because I've been so hard on myself and I did amazingly for the EE job and they fudged me off despite that, with no explanation. I'm not Superwoman and I can't help others see past stigma or negative opinions, nevermind get them to see my worth, but I owe it to myself to try harder to not allow their stupidity or ignorance to affect me and how I feel about myself.

I am hard on myself.

But I'm going to do better. 🫶

S.