I'm not good enough for some people and that's okay...

Hmm.. I spent hours and hours trawling through spam posts and everything to help as admin in Aycliffe Anything Goes and I don't mind helping, I do my best, I don't mind don't get me wrong but I'm no longer admin on there now... 

Sometimes I just feel all that time, effort and energy was just wasted now... When I'm thrown away... I know I can do without the extra workload so it's freed me up to focus on other groups and things but I'd have liked to have been informed. 🥺

Just a personal rant because as a chronically unwell disabled lass (that has to deal with others ableist narratives and abuse because of my disability) it's kinda hard to do anything, everything takes energy and 'spoons' and things and if I'm not going to seem useful to someone I'd rather I be told so I don't waste my time for those who can't even inform me I've been removed/replaced.

My time is precious, my energy is precious, if I do ONE thing that means another thing had to be put in the back burner because I don't have as much energy as others.

It seems that my best, which I always do, is just never good enough sometimes and that hurts. 

It seems even when I've done nothing wrong and I'm targeted and I speak out about it, that there are more people willing to be unkind than they are compassionate.

I am a caring lass and I am sick of being made to feel inadequate or like I'm not important or like I'm lazy or people who don't understand disabilities seeing me in a brief good moment thinking I fake it. Your eyes cannot measure another individuals pain levels!

This town is filled with genuine good individuals, but lately it feels like it's been taken over by people who just wanna get away with bad things and silence their victims and spread gossip and hate and that's NOT ok.

I cause NO problems with people because I KEEP to myself and stay in my lane and focus on MY own life unlike gossips and people who need to try and break people and pull others down or target people then lie about it.

I'm always professional as an administrator. 

I'm fair, unbiased and always will be but I am also honest and upfront and I know when I've been wronged I know what I deserve.

I won't apologise for demanding people hold themselves accountable for their despicable choices and lack of apologies when they're definitely required.

"I try even though I know I'm gonna fail"

I fail because others don't appreciate me or support me like I do others, I fail because people don't keep me in the loop and tend to prefer idle gossip and false narratives over actual genuine facts and people.

I'm a loner mainly because I like space for peace and positivity and it gives me my own space to be supportive and helpful to others.

I'm doing my OWN thing and I don't mind if people don't like it, I don't live to be liked, I live to make a difference in others lives because I know what it's like to struggle.

I don't want people ever going through or having to endure what I have and if people disagree with the truth then speak to those who behaved poorly in the first place, not the people that have to deal with their poor and harmful behaviours.

I'm just me.

I help for helpings sake and sometimes at a detriment to myself so I need to create more boundaries for myself and not expect others to be as kind, caring, respectful or unbiased.

I thank those who upset me for the lessons and I will be working on increasing my boundaries to those who can't and don't appreciate me or be respectful enough to keep me updated or informed.

Another lesson learned, the silver linings of the way others choose to behave poorly.

If other people who can't understand need to be negative and judge me badly for things they'd never be able to endure then that's their issue and problems.

I seek to understand and I offer a safe space for others, and that's all that's important to me. 🫶🏼

Thank you.

S.

Kawaii Doll Decora

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