Moving forward:
Having been looking after my fur baby Bud and working towards a sole tradership I've been extremely busy.
I've handmade more jewelry for my Depop and Etsy stores and started an accounting book.
I'm always honest in my blog and I don't know how to word this so I'll just say it, I've felt like a failure. 😔 I'm still not over the fact I can't do what I used to do especially more so when people don't understand and are telling you that you need to do more etc, and yet I still don't quit.
I've come too far.
Bud is healing beautifully and the little weirdo adorable doggy actually likes having the cone on him now. He doesn't make sense ahaha. He's the best though.
He never judges me and is happy to cuddle me and he gets excited to see me and he's my responsibility, he's amazing.
He has to keep the cone on for the week to keep his wound dry and healing and it's doing much better now.
Some friends have helped me a little with the house which i was a total anxiety mess as they were helping and felt guilty, but afterwards it's actually so sweet and I really appreciate it, the difference the help makes is a positive one.
I need to get over this anxiety, it stems from not being able to trust people, ending up in bad situations or situations where people not only can't understand but they feel like they have a right to be abusive.
A lot of help has been thrown in my face or nurses were hesitant or even with new places I've had to fight for help and they sabotaged it and I can't use them ever again.
No wonder I'm anxious when people help.
Life has been pretty dark and bleak for me, maybe that's why I hold on so strongly and tightly to all that is good, imagination, dreams, positive change...
...I know I'm only one person, but I can't allow the world to be like this. I just can't.
..and so I soldier on and make the best of all experiences and try and create positive change for others or prevent them going through the same things I've had to, and if they do have to go through them atleast NOT be alone like I was.
I don't care anymore if people mislabel me a narcissist simply because I've upped my boundaries and I'm kicking my own butt to create and action positive change.
As long as I leave behind positive change or a positive difference in the world, then my legacy will be perfect! 😊
Today my pain levels are extremely bad, and I'm just sitting. I do my best as and when I can and get small goals done and make small progress but it's infuriating and frustrating when your own body won't allow you to continue with your journey that you're so determined to do and dedicated to.
I haven't allowed myself enough rest lately but I think it's because I don't feel like I've earned that right yet, there's still a few more things I need to have done to feel a weight lifted.
Things are definitely overwhelming but overwhelming is my life, so I move forward despite that.
Maybe I need to allow for some rest... I know I'll hate myself for ages after and feel super guilty and that but maybe I need to allow that time.
Once I get my energy levels a bit better I can crack on with the illustrations for the children's book and get the canvas done!
When I was supposed to be resting I've been still trying to find a way to help me find an income, from Wirestock portfolio building to new art pieces and handmade jewelry.
That's still work and not rest so I need to put my foot down with myself today.
I had a vape of my lavender cake canna and the pain levels are lower now, 6/7 but better than extreme!
Plus once I relax it tends to lower to a 4 or a 5.
If I can sleep I'll definitely try to!
I just want big things for myself and to feel independent and useful, I want to take people with me, support others and build others up, show what real genuine support actually is so others can follow in my footsteps and hopefully I'll influence more positive social interactions.
All I can do is try.
And trying I am!
I definitely feel like we need better representation in the north of England.
Rishi is not realising how detrimental and bad his ideas of a benefits overhaul actually is.
We need someone as a prime minister of the north of England, because in London they have no clue what it's actually like and they hyper fixate on a false social stigma and run with it.
Bad things will happen when things aren't actually investigated thoroughly prior to running with "scissors".
But how can a Joe or Jane Bloggs, a nobody, get people to wake up and see the bigger picture.
That we can do better, be better and be more of a community and we can challenge those in power when they're failing us!
I can't, but I can try and find solutions and problem solve to try and make the world better in the ways that I CAN.
Disability teaches you to focus on what you CAN do not what you can't and maybe this life lesson is very much needed for all because it does give you the capacity to see things differently and problem solve to create positive differences.
I blog because I'm rarely listened to, and because it's helpful for me to process thoughts better, and I can also document my life as it happens from my personal experience and go through it as a timeline to help me understand myself better.
I also hope that it can help others be honest with themselves, face their fears, inspire them to know their worth and that they can do better and just be a positive influence overall.
It's exhausting being disabled and living constantly in agony but it's still my life and I need to make it the life I want.
The life I want is to make positive differences and better support networks for all.
I don't care that I'm not understood anymore, everyone will always have their own skewed and warped versions of a person and I'm not responsible for that anyway, so I just keep moving forward and hope that I can get better on track with things and make more progress.
I'm an associate producer of a movie my friend is cast in, Daggers Inn, and I will have an IMDB account so I'm pleased to have that to show my support for other creatives, and I hope that more follow in my footsteps so we can all have a better supporting network for ourselves.
Being creative in a capitalist world is very hard.
Networking is expensive as is gaining awareness.
I won't fake my following though, so I either make it on my terms with my morals intact or not at all.
Whatever happens in life I hope I get to write more books to add to my author account and hope I get to publish a poetry one.
I have lots of goals I am always working towards and if that's how I am to survive my situation then bring it on!
I need to stop apologising for my existence! I exist and I will fight for what I care about! 🫶🏼
KawaiiDollDecora 🩷 ✨
