PGP / SPD My story:

  Feeling alone... Having a rest day today. Need some tranquility and calm.  Still hurting from yesterday and ran outta loo roll, had to get some off my mam til we can do a shop. (Thank you!!) I need quiet and stillness and to feel safe. 💯 I have PTSD and anxiety and I don't deserve it. My anxiety has been through the roof with the tirades of misguided people who think being abusive is ok,  ⚠️ I've been weary of going around town on my own ⚠️ and tbh stuff that! I've done nothing wrong and I don't deserve to be made to feel scared on my hometown all because a small minority can't face the bad behaviour they chose to target me with, or own up to it, or apologise. If you haven't noticed, I'm a disabled woman and can do without it. I LEGIT REGRET ASKING FOR HELP, so thanks for that.  Everything in my life has been a fight and my main fight is with my body and it's far from over so unless you're a decent human being who has a shred of compassion IDGAF, ...

 Just had my pain clinic appointment and I'm being referred to the hospital pain management teams as I've already been on everything and I'm doing my best and using alternative medicine to better my life. If there's nothing new that can help me (as I've been on everything) then they may be able to assist with a letter to confirm and explain that the only reason I'm mobilising as I am and my rehabilitation is going well is because of cannabinoids and I have legal vapes for work for now (🤞🏼✨ I get the job) but if they want to do a drug test, my cannabis use for pain management will show even though I only use it to be able to get to the same or as close to the same levels as abled bodied people, in being able to live my life. It's not recreational it's a necessity, and doesn't impact my cognitive function or abilities, if anything it keeps the pain at a tolerable level so I can focus on getting things done and better my life. Despite that being the f...

The Judgemental and the Truth. Isn't it mental That they like to judge As an excuse to hate  And abuse and begrudge Isn't it mental That people treat opinions as facts Are they having a laugh Delusional and crass Isn't it mental That they can't see The truth willingly Set on a plate for them easily Isn't it mental They they choose to target me The innocent party Trying to better society And help the disabled and elderly Isn't it mental That you're not here When I'm filled with fear You only see what you want to see And lose the bigger picture You weren't there when I've fallen You weren't there when I've fought You weren't there when I've wanted to end things And you weren't there to feel the hurt You weren't the one stuck isolated For almost a decade Or dealing with abuse in hospital Using your ideas of me as leverage To abuse your power more? To hate and troll and what for? For people who can't face their mistakes So...

Oh my word, I could totally cry right now. I asked for the basics from Cornforth Partnership and the food arrived today and honestly I'm in tears at what they've sent me. I never asked for anything other than bread, milk, tinned soup and/or beans, microwave meals, and I can't believe how kind the charity has been. Cornforth Partnership Thank you so very much, I can't believe how kind and amazing you've been to send us extras like cereal and pasta and it's more than I could have dared to dream. I'm in awe at the kindness I've just received and I want to handmake a Thank You card just for [C] at Cornforth Partnership. My son will be happy to have food at mine now and I'm pleased I can feed him now when he's here. When everything's always a struggle you can't help but be taken aback when people show you kindness. [C.H]  is helping me unpack the shopping and he is even right now so excited and saying how much he loves this woman... s...

I'm gonna try get to the disability meet group today and then go for my glasses at 12 I just don't have a lot of energy today so I'm taking it easy and I need to get the bus to town.  The Cornforth Partnership is sending a food parcel today between 10 and 12pm so that's a life saver and I even explained I'm doing everything I possibly can to find my own incomes since this PIP and if I had anything to use from that I'd have used it on food. Which is the truth. People needn't be scared of the truth, it's the reality we live in. The truth still matters to people like me and thankfully to others too. Had I sold stickers: I'd have used it on food. I know, I know, I don't have to justify myself to people who don't understand and probably never will but as long as it's the truth then that's all that matters and I never manipulate the truth and when I make mistakes I own up to them and face them head on. I don't understand why J7 are lyin...

 I realised something recently... I'm not actually used to or familiar with people who choose to be kind. I don't know how to handle it and I need to work on that. I get anxious and worried and hope I don't come across as ungrateful and I panic and worry and think what if they think I don't appreciate them so maybe I over thank and over appreciate but then I stopped my overthinking and thought, well if that's how I'm handling it then it's up to others to see i do care and do appreciate it. I'm just used to agendas and things and I worry because I'm not out to destroy anything or anyone, ever, and I blog because I'm used to not being heard and used to feeling misunderstood and like I don't exist. It's also my only power against people who choose to be horrendous to me. I just expose the truth and I gather evidence for everything I say. I know I have become a target of backlash and judgement because I dared to speak up about my experiences ...

When I went to college I had my bus pass revoked by the council and did bad in my exams cause I needed to find the bus fare for the two weeks exams otherwise not go. (Worked for funds.) Why do I have to always be the loophole? Everyone at college got ESA and some spent it on clothes and bragged about it when the cut off was my birth date and because of that I could only eat two out of the five college days because I was given £2 a day to eat. Chips cost way more than that. Why do I always have to be the loophole? Postcode lotteries dictate who gets help and who doesn't and councils claim they help but their system is flawed. Why do I always have to be the loophole? I've been denied a food parcel today without scrutinisation and judgement. ~life knows how to grind you down when you try and better yourself ~ Because I have an overdraft and it costs to be in it,  (I'm in it) the Council won't assist me. So without food I go. Thanks Durham County Council. To get food I have...

America has started to refuse treatment for people with the same condition as I have, and the UK didn't really offer me anything other than opioids and things that I absolutely hated. The physio's didn't really understand that it's a disability that requires pacing oneself and pushed too hard and caused seize ups and bad flare ups and I wasn't offered any mental health support or counseling or anything from becoming newly disabled in 2009. I had to adapt and endure on my own. I still do. I was a early-teenager when my spleen was engorged on an x-ray but I was told to ignore that because that's not why I was there, had they investigated properly and taken bloods to show inflammation markers I'd have been diagnosed and would never have lost everything, my business I started from scratch, the private rented home we'd had nice, my mobility, education and everything. I'm getting back into college now and I'm working towards all my goals and getting my...

 They really don't want to support or help the mobility impaired get back into college considering they took all the buses away and my legs are so stiff now. I'm going to have to look into funding from the council IF they do any that is, otherwise I'm gonna struggle like. Already having to sit on the floor at the bus stop that has taken me like half an hour to get to and the stops near the college had buses but weren't frequent nor due til an hour or an hour and a bit! Yea bad pain day, legs are mega stiff, gonna be a struggle to stand back up but thankfully [C] came with me so he's been helpful, helping me deal with pain and my bag and the walk and can help me stand back up. I just don't get it. A college there and yet they don't understand that transport is a necessity as there's all ages and all disabilities go to that college. There is also NO LONGER any arriva bus that goes onto college grounds due to funding! What is going on! 😫💀 Definitely unfai...

The feedback I got from my job interview came through. They said that I didn't talk about my adsl call center role enough or how I did the job, I did mention I was really good so I was one of only a few that had to handle FOUR categories instead of ONE.  I had a couple of months to sell ad space for a marketing company and I did it within two weeks, which I also mentioned. The four job roles I had to execute instead of just one were: Retentions, sales, customer services and switchboard. I talked about customer support and resolving issues and how I matched products to the customers based on their interests and needs. I could have talked about targets more but I always reached any targets and I thought that was obvious with me being one of a few (handful) that ended up doing FOUR times the work. Lol. We never knew which call was going to come in, and had to see which of the four it was because only a few of us could handle such an amount of callers, nevermind four different sections...

I didn't get this job, as I had actually expected*, and I requested the feedback via email so I can reflect. Everything in life is an experience and although it's disheartening sometimes you always have to think, what can I learn from this?! Considering I have had a successful interview and I'm awaiting my face to face one, overall I think I did good. 😊 I can use this experience for future reference, and you only fail if you don't try. 💯🩷 -S. xoxo Kawaii Doll Decora 🩷 *Expected because a lot of fails happen before you succeed. You'd be naive or egotistical to ever think otherwise. I like to think that my struggles have given me some unique perspectives on life and it really does help how you see the world. Image reads:  " Life is an experience. A balance. Yin and Yang. The pendulum sways, Like a yo-yo some days, Your emotions can overwhelm. But you know your worth, Upon this earth, And what's meant to be will find you well. And what's not for you ar...

My email correspondence update: The email from the police reads: ----------------------------------------------------------- "Hi S****, I hope you are well, Just a quick update, I have requested the CCTV footage from Junction 7 and I am hopefully this will get sent to me very soon. However, I have been made aware by junction 7 that you have been putting various Facebook posts about the service that they provide. I would advise you not to put anymore Facebook posts about junction 7 please." ----------------------------------------------------------- I had told the police officer the truth which is as follows: ----------------------------------------------------------- "PC ******** Thank you so much for your help with all of this and everything and I really appreciate it. I am still very upset by this whole ordeal as I deem it to have been absolutely unnecessary, four attempts ago, at finding a resolution. My last Facebook post was yesterday and as a blogger I have every r...

 This is me today. (See image) Image says: " There Is that constant struggle to try and get the care you need when you have a chronic illness "  Art by @Colourblind_Zebra IG I told the college I prefer afternoon appointments and had already been unable to commit to two prior appointments. I am now awaiting a very important phone call and I being anxious and neurodivergent kinda just wanted an appointment done and over with and felt like I was being a burden. 🥺 I thought at the time, don't worry, get up early, you got this. I don't got this. 😥  I have to walk pretty far today from the bus and I've woken up (I'm anaemic again so back on iron) and my disability is REMINDING me yet again I am not able bodied and because of transport issues it's going to be such a hassle to sort the college today.  I'm still none the wiser about possible grants for the disabled and funding for the skills course I am looking into, so if I went today and they want payment I...