Struggle on ... no matter what...

 I realised something recently...

I'm not actually used to or familiar with people who choose to be kind.

I don't know how to handle it and I need to work on that.

I get anxious and worried and hope I don't come across as ungrateful and I panic and worry and think what if they think I don't appreciate them so maybe I over thank and over appreciate but then I stopped my overthinking and thought, well if that's how I'm handling it then it's up to others to see i do care and do appreciate it.

I'm just used to agendas and things and I worry because I'm not out to destroy anything or anyone, ever, and I blog because I'm used to not being heard and used to feeling misunderstood and like I don't exist.

It's also my only power against people who choose to be horrendous to me.

I just expose the truth and I gather evidence for everything I say.

I know I have become a target of backlash and judgement because I dared to speak up about my experiences with J7 and because I wanted the course participants to be told what was happening with the CSCS cards, but I regret nothing.

If they thought I could be silenced then they got a sharp wake up call.

It's ok if people don't like me, they don't even know me anyway and I'm used to being alone and having to fight for everything anyway.

But I can't believe that I don't know how to deal with kindness now. I wish I could deal with it better.

It stirs up emotions and things because I'm someone who isn't exaggerating when I say I've had a hard life.

A kind lady offered me a lift last night from the play and I appreciated it so much cause I find it so hard to ask and was gonna ask my mam.

When people constantly abuse you for being disabled and treat you like a burden you can't help it, a part of you starts to wonder if that's true and that's gaslighting and human nature.

It's just left me with anxiety when people are kind but I'm sure the more I'm out of my house and the more I'm showing up for myself and my family and loved ones and new friends, then in time, this anxiety will fade.

People forget,

The outside world is still all new to me having been trapped away with muscle atrophy in a room for almost a decade.

I'm adjusting.

It's not my fault if others can't be kind whilst I adjust and I only expose things that actually happen.

If Junction 7 did the right things like they want others to believe then why can't I no longer tag them in posts and why haven't they come forward and why couldn't they simply apologise like I deserved instead of all this stupid animosity.

I. DON'T. KNOW. THEM.

I just won't tolerate disrespect and I'm the one having to live with the aftermath of their poor and sadistic choices towards me and if people think that SPEAKING THE TRUTH is having an "axe" to grind, then they need to look in the mirror, because they're the only ones with any axe, using it to silence people on the receiving end of unprovoked and definitely unwanted abuse.

I think it's funny I can't tag them now.

I hope my name and presence remains a reminder that some people CAN'T BE BULLIED INTO BEING SILENCED and some people just want to be treated with RESPECT and kindness.

No wonder I am not used to kindness, I come outta my home to face neighbours lying and trying to get me brayed because I defended the fact I'm disabled at some neighbour who targeted me at a bus stop and lied.

This charity malarkie I can certainly do without.

All the doctors on the town (yes all three, well [p******y] wasn't happy that their doctors were wrong when they aggressively told me I wasn't disabled and never will be diagnosed so they refused to take ME as a patient ten years later simply because of their mishandling of me.)

 ALL of them not realising my meds were being taken (by someone) and abused and blaming me and hating on me when I hadn't even had the meds and was in genuine pain and just sought help.

And one actually reduced mine and gave them to the person taking mine, which made me more of a burden on the system because they were prescribed for a GENUINE reason unlike the reason they illegally prescribed them over to my thief.

Life is an experience and I've dealt with enough bad.

I'm ready for all the good now.

I'm stronger and I survived.

I'm stronger and I survived.

I'm stronger and I survived.

I may not understand this world sometimes or some of the people in it but I'm not going to hide or be scaremongered into being silenced.

My voice is all I have left.

When you've been in a position where you've been silenced far too long and you've lost everything and had everything taken from you without a choice, you really see how important and precious your voice actually is.

Aslong as I'm alive I'm going to speak up and be me.

I have nothing whatsoever to be ashamed of.

I am NOT my disability and if you think I'm faking so much why don't you TAKE it?!

I thought as much.

No. I will face all the good and all the bad and all my flaws and mistakes and all my capabilities and skills and I will do my utmost to make the world a better place than I found it.

Hopefully others will follow and do the same.

Yes I'm neurodivergent.

But I'm not stupid and I care about my town and no one is gonna shove me out of my hometown unless it's in a wooden box, to which can someone please tell my haters I'd like to be cremated please. Thanks.

The truth is important and not everyone has agendas.

It would be good for people to remember that and to not be so easily mislead or manipulated into targeting people like me, instead of actually investigating the truth first.

That's what they want you to do, be their little army, defame my character, judge me on my life choices.

Judge away.

But maybe be less gullible, and realise YOUR own worth.

I think that's my message to the world today.

✨✨Be less gullible, and realise YOUR own worth.✨✨

I wish you well in your journey as I try and continue on mine.

Lots of love.

S. xoxo

Kawaii Doll Decora 🩷

#disabled #disabledartist #aycliffe #junction7 #awareness #honesty #truth #consistency #blog #blogger #bloggerlife #PTSD #ptsdwarrior