March 2nd: Been rushed off my feet:

Just been in the bath and hope I don't have cellulitis, gotta keep an eye on my foot, it would explain my lethargy and increased pain levels but I have been trying to get things done lately and I have the [council] housing lady out this week. 

I'm shattered man and so much still to do, which is even harder when you have no energy and your body feels like several lead weights... 

Got woken up at 8:30am today so that's really not helped things and has offset my whole day hence I was watching TV to try and wake up and distract from the pain and pick myself back up, but I'm drained and emotional and the movie made me cry... 😢.

House is worse than when the lady was last out, because I'm still moving things around and decluttering corners and using new storage things to tidy the corners up... So I'm upside down right now and everything is just not happening like I'd like it to, or as fast as I'd like it to but I do appreciate the help [S] and [C] have done. It means the world when you have people who will help you and they know that if the shoe was on the other foot mind I'd be there for them. We all need good people around us. 💯🩷

I'm getting injured left, right and center trying to rush everything cause of this housing lady appointment and I haven't got enough time to heal the injuries or anything. 

I even did the play with my bad foot which I'm so proud of but I'm definitely out of my depth at the moment. My foot is still really bad, even now. I just feel like I can't win and life is being unnecessarily harder and way more complicated than it needs to be so I'm hitting pause and going to try and recharge and keep an eye on my foot and then if I get a burst of energy later I can take advantage of it, or if it turns out to be cellulitis again atleast I can sort 111 or the hospital for the antibiotics.

Sometimes naps help with energy levels, sometimes they're not enough... We'll have to see... 🤞🏼✨

Just know that I'm trying, struggling, but keeping going. Please bear with me. 🩷🩷🩷

Bud (my dog) is worried about momma as he's by my side every second at the moment and he even snuggled me when I was crying in pain the other night. I'm trying not to use a lot of weed because I wanna deal with as much pain as I can myself and sometimes that works for me but when it doesn't I eventually have a medical smoke and then I can relax.

Should not have washed my hair lol, using a heater to try dry it a little cause I can't even... Lol... Prolly gonna end up asleep with wet hair lol.

Helping with furniture building and unpacking etc has also hurt my pelvis and I'm really feeling the dislocation at the moment too. 

Thankfully [C] is helping and Bud is comforting. 

I wish I had a body I could use like normal people and I'd have had this house decorated and cleared and beautiful by now, I've thought back to my past marriages and how I always decorated mainly myself and how I stayed up all night whilst my ex husbands were sleeping sorting room after room, *sigh* and again so much loss. Decorating to lose places... Or be moved on... By the time I moved here in 2012 I was already disabled and a busy full time mam to my son. 

I paid for some decorating to be done as I couldn't and I paid for all the carpets too, but that's as far as I had got by the time my son was diagnosed with the big C. 

It's weird how life pushes and pulls you and as soon as you achieve what you need to it's just ripped away like nothing, like you didn't just sacrifice hours and physical labour to create something wonderful, to just lose it again.

I wish disabled tenants had specialised housing officers because I just don't feel like regular ones understand the complexity of disability or how to help someone navigate it without being detrimental to them or their progress.

At the moment I know she's not going to be happy and no I don't wanna deal with that negativity this week cause I can't deal with any more stress, but it is what it is and I can't change it, I don't have enough strength or time or energy, but I am making progress still and if they fail to see that then I can't change that.

It's as if they'd think you'd wanna live like this, I don't, and half the people who gossip about my home probably have tips for homes themselves and they're abled bodied so.. yea. 

Haters can do one.

Also they barely said much or did much, years and years ago or when I was bedbound/housebound for around eight years. 

I will rest and then I will make slow progress, because that's what I CAN do, and that's what I need to focus on.

S.w. xoxo 

Kawaii Doll Decora 🩷✨

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Image: My dog Bud.