Bee yourself: even when you don't matter:

 

An apology can fix a lot.

Accountability is important.

I'm learning that those things don't matter to some and people protect and defend those they like, not whose in the right.

I will fight my depression and continue on alone, despite the message that " I don't matter" I've been told that my whole life. Told to shut up and take abuse. Been coercively controlled and silenced and bullied.

Right doesn't matter only people they like matter. I'm learning still and despite this I'm still powering forwards alone. 

I would have loved teamwork, support, compassion and others keen on actioning positive change over playing favourites but the town I live in is no longer home to me and cliques have sent that message loud and clear.

Some people are above accountability, no matter what harm they cause.

I am an underdog because the world makes me one and for that reason I will continue to use my voice to action positive change for all underdogs, for those of us who others fail, victim blame and shame, abandon, tell to stfu (shut up), those who, like me, have to face a society that constantly adds to our battles and problems instead of trying to resolve them and ease everyone's burden.

I'm not perfect but I have never and will never invalidate anothers experience.

I will never support unsafe spaces and biased or manipulative organisations.

I will forever take a step back from toxicity and dishonesty and ingenuity.

I know me, I fought and survived plenty alone up until now, I may have wished for compassion and kindness, patience and understanding but when cliques are involved and people who abuse power are involved, those things don't exist and what I think or feel doesn't matter.

My hard work doesn't get seen because my town chooses to be unsupportive of me.

They choose to fail me, abandon me and invalidate me instead of seeing me for the authentic me I am, the woman trying to bring an authentic sisterhood and teamwork to the town, solve everyones problems, actions positive change.

Promotion is more important than hard work for the cliques and they deem my work not relevant enough to support me in papers even when I would pay for said promotion.

The world is supposed to be a certain way, and it's not, and that why us Autistics struggle.

We're told people should be held to account but when attempted we're thwarted because the people who do the bad things are well liked.

Hate seems to be the norm.

Well I won't be a part of that pattern and I will work with everyone on the town whose been abandoned and let down and told "we don't matter".

Joy + soul has saved me more times than I can count. Her lyrics are thoughtful, philosophical and correct.

I can't fix people who choose to support bullies.

I can't make others care when they say they care but their actions prove they don't.

It's not my duty to correct fake martyrs, fake supporters, it's my duty to make sure people know THEY ALL matter and if I'm hated for that and victim blamed and shamed then fair enough.

Noted.

I'm thinking my work can't be done in a place that promotes corruption, lack of communication, lack of compassion and accountability.

I'm thinking maybe my work is bigger than my town and I've outgrown it and it's newly developed toxicity.

I'm not rich or useful here so I'm not treated with respect, people can't build off me so they don't care if I'm supported or promoted properly. I'm constantly told my work doesn't matter.

I've done a lot of good for the town already but I can't fix corruption. I can't make people who fake care, care and I can't make people understand how they're harming their fellow Newtonians when it doesn't matter because the ones they are harming are 'no bodies' they don't matter.

This is no longer feeling like home for me.

It no longer feels safe.

Too much negativity and toxicity and dishonesty and I'm tired of trying to bring people together when all the people in power and organisations are doing are tearing people apart and invalidating townsfolk.

When the police and a sisters of support representative came to my home because of my DV situation, hard life, and because I'm vulnerable with NO support network I brought up the issues I had had with Paul Howarth 🥺 I explained I was scared of attending the group because All Disabilities Matter had done the same thing prior, defended Paul's abusive manner because they supported and promoted their charity more than I can; therefore I don't matter. Take the abuse Sarah. You're not worth basic human respect.

I had done a lot for their charity but it wasn't enough to get them to care about me, the exact same thing has now happened with sisters of support as the director and founder involved herself in my battle for an apology using the named organisation to do so.

I wanted to avoid this happening and Tina had assured me with the Newton Aycliffe police officer that that wouldn't happen and I never mentioned it in the group.

When I did an update as it's been six months since I requested my apology in a formal complaint and wanted to communicate and resolve it all so we can all move forward, I was not only ignored by Paul still but invalidated publicly by Kirsty Amy Turner.

His actions alone aren't villainising him, instead I'm accused of villainising him.

He's allegedly a champion.

Champions don't speak abusively to women and children, ignore complaints for six months and usually don't need people who claim to be Marxist Feminists to protect and defend them so their victims never receive the deserved apologies.

I am not an isolated incident but I am authentic and that's why I'm alone.

I can't change how others choose to behave but I can say 'NO' to all abuse and toxicity and I can avoid people who think that doing that is okay.

Again I'm not rich, popular or useful enough to be worthy of basic communication, discussion, resolution or apologies.

I am no longer proud to be Newtonian, and yet I will still be attending the Council meetings for those I can still help on the town irregardless of chronic pain, sacrifices, struggles and the invalidation of my hard work and efforts that no one knows about because I'm not allowed promotion or support like others.

I'm told I don't matter.

We all matter.

All of us.

Sarah Wingfield Author 

Independent Disability Advocate