Nightmares:

 

TW: Trauma / D.V. ⚠️

After trauma it's normal to have a lot of nightmares of the abuser and even though I've been doing chakra meditation and things, I keep having nightmares that my ex is going to come back to make good on his jokes about unaliving me... It's not healthy and shows I'm not over what he did to me and I'm still waiting to do the police video interview tape about the crimes and it's exhausting.

Others that had added unnecessary stress on top I really don't appreciate, it's not my fault people lead with ego, don't accept the harm they themselves cause and don't think about what an individual may already be going through when they plan their witch hunt. They can do one. They know who they are. You don't need to know, plus they'll do it to others too because behaviour always has a pattern. They need to fix themselves and stay away from me. I'm moving on from their harm too, they need to let me.

My home has been safeguarded and I'm doing a podcast on surviving DV for one of the charities I work for, it gets finished and recorded this afternoon, and I'm glad I've turned some negative experiences into positive ones but I'm tired of waking up crying and I'm so run down I've broke out in a few spots which visually I don't care about, but they're in awkward places on my face so they actually hurt.

Any additional little pains on top of all the big ones from cold weather can be the straw that breaks the camels back, if you know the saying, and I just want to get everything ready for Bonesfest and get packed as it's two days to go until I go. I'm thankful to Percy for giving me something to actually look forward to and I need to pick myself up as I have a driving lesson tomorrow so today will be sorting an Etsy order and taking some much needed rest before the podcast and hopefully an early night after it.

Thankfully my Harbour worker will be here this morning in a couple of hours and maybe we can work through more of the identifying red flags parts. I'm grateful for the support I do have and I know I won't feel like this forever but right now it's so hard and I feel like I had a woman's support group dangled like a carrot in front of me, the potential of fitting in and finding a place to belong and make friends flashed before my eyes before that too was stolen from me due to the lack of impartial behaviour. I'm heartbroken and isolated. It hurts like hell on top of everything else I've gone through and they don't care about that harm neither, it doesnt even cross their minds. Trying to get over that being flaunted and ripped away from me too. The police said they'd help me find genuine support groups though, ones that understand their roles as an organisation and understand how they can harm their members if they don't remain impartial but the world is so corrupt i am worried that these don't even exist.

As for love life, it's non-existant, I'm cautious of everyone now and I'm happily staying single until I find someone I can develop a strong friendship with that eventually could develop into more. If it doesn't then atleast I've made some good friends and if it does then I hope my inner child gets her happy ever after and someone to build with. Like she's always wanted.

I hate nightmares, hate crying and it drains me of much needed spoons/energy so I wake up feeling like I did ten rounds with Tyson. Agony.

Tied my hair up, got comfy clothes on, don't care how I look today I just need to heal and stop letting things like this drain me of my precious and much needed energy.

Sorry I'm struggling but I refuse to quit.

All my love,

Your favourite blogger, or the one you love to hate,

Sarah ❤️✨

#blog #exes #isolation #disabilityawareness #support #DV