I stepped down today, I broke down:

Nothing I do is good enough.

#blog

I broke down today...

As my closest friends know and the people who actually take the time to bother to get to know me, I've been going through a lot recently including abuse I've escaped and i just sought support and acknowledgement (clearly in the wrong places so far) and I've spoken to the crisis team today because my mental health is not good and I'm hopeful to get more support in regards to navigating society with autism because it's so hard and unfair it's unreal, but I'm going to be taking a break from social media for a while because adults don't know how to support they only know how to make things a million times worse for people struggling and that's not okay and not what I need or deserve right now.

I get it, I don't matter to them and they laugh and hate away, fine. But I don't have to deal with that on top of what I'm already going through and all the sacrifices and hard work I'm doing and fighting for my goals. They don't know me and don't care to even bother to get to know me and fair enough.

I've always been someone who builds others up and made sure people never feel alone because that's how the world has always made me feel, like I'm always alone. But that doesn't matter because who you are doesn't matter when people want to lash out or be hypocritical or nasty. 

People don't mean what they say and don't stand for what they claim to stand for and if they can get involved and influence others in getting involved, especially in negative ways, they will, without a single care for how it impacts an already struggling individual.

I know I'm not what the haters say I am, but thats irrelevant to people when they just want an excuse to hate.

Hate is supported by their close cliques and that's that.

I'm starting a new chapter in my life after today's lessons and I've well and truly learned my lesson when it comes to trying to fix things that others don't want fixed. People don't want to be professional or kind and all we can do is avoid those, as the more we try and seek resolution or justice the more the tirades of hate occur.

I've been punished enough now for trying to make the world a better place and if others can't see how their actions are harmful I can't make them.

I will try and pick myself back up and there are other aspects of my life that are opening doors to other opportunities and guiding me away from trying to fix things that can't be fixed and into finding my place in the world.

All I hope is that I manage to find my place in this world because this world is a place I don't understand and don't feel I belong.

For those who are authentic and kind and who care about me and support me, I will be back and I do have project commitments I won't let down and in fact in which give me something positive to focus on and move towards in which I'm exceptionally thankful for.

Life is a million times harder for those of us who are autistic, we're constantly misunderstood and there's constantly no room for us anywhere and we're told we don't matter a lot and with everything I've endured and gone through I'd hate for a bunch of hypocritical grown bullies to ruin everything I've done and achieved so far even if it isn't acknowledged or noted.

Those I've helped know who they are and those that bothered to get to know me know who I am and that's all that matters.

I'm a blogger but my life isn't solely about me, never has been, it's always being about trying to change things for the better for others, and I can't prove that to people who don't care about that and only care to invalidate and instigate and influence more hate and even less support.

Again, I learned I don't matter today, but to some I do and they see me for who I am and that's all I need.

Facts never change. Never.

I'm just trying to endure and survive through everything that's thrown at me and all I can do is my best. If others wore another's shoes for a change they'd be so different to how they choose to be, or if they're on the the receiving end of the same ways they treat me they'd be crying and screaming and demanding support too. But it's okay for them to treat others how they never ever want to be treated...until the same things happen to them...

Farewell for now and I'll be back soon.

Taking some much needed time for me, I need to heal and I need to avoid negativity to be able to do so properly and I'll be supported by the crisis team and harbour.

Sarah.