Triggered:

"All I can do at this point is see what happens if I don't quit."

My ex was recently exposed on one of the exposed cheaters and abusers page and I've got triggered today.

I was called this morning about the police interview and that it will be sometime in January now and I've legitimately just stopped crying and wiped my tears away and reminded myself I have goals and I need to stay focused.

I'm working with Harbour and I just feel so alone since people targeted me and sabotaged me being able to make friends and go to support groups in my small town and I just have to try and deal with everything alone.

It's scary when it's all out in the open too, people victim blame and shame too much and I'm so nervous of people doing that to me after everything I've had to face this year and last year, I've come a long way and I now avoid people who fake support others and take sides and it's a hard pill to swallow that you have to be alone because of others actions.

Just cried my eyes out on a voice clip to a friend because I still have nightmares with the crimes he committed and I may not have video evidence or any evidence but atleast the video interview with the police can be used to help anyone he harm's in the future.

Someone was stupid and didn't think and sent me screenshots of his and his new lasses profiles and I'm just so terrified for her. She needs to speak to his ex before me like I did.

There's a reason he's not allowed to see his little girl and I just can't stand that people like that are allowed to walk freely and continue doing the serious and harmful crimes to others.

It's a weight on me I can't bear.

I was listening to my own music I created earlier before being triggered and trying to figure out where I'm going wrong, what I can do to progress and be better and I need to stay focused on my goals.

I was happy this morning, I sent my mental health script over to NaariSamata charity for the animators and felt like I was useful for a change and then did my driving lesson.

Healing isn't linear and I am bound to have bad days with the seriousness of the crimes I endured and survived.

It's scary it all being out in the open too but it's for the best. Abusers should not be allowed to hide their abuse or misdeeds so they can repeat that behaviour to others, and yet this is the way the world is.

I'm learning that victims never matter and the system never protects us and we have to protect ourselves and face the consequences of the system when we act in self defense. I'm seeing so many people that stuck up for themselves be arrested lately whilst serious crimes commited by people are overlooked.

This can't be the way our ancestors wanted the world surely. But it's the way the world is these days and that's why my NaariSamata podcast was ever so important.

If I can save more women and children and protect them and prevent them from having to continue to endure abuse then that's better than sitting and wallowing in self pity.

Some days my voice is all I have so when people try and silence me of their abuse it makes me even angrier and crazier and it's a huge antagonist. It provokes me no end and makes me want to pull my hair out and scream the truth from the rooftops but the world doesn't like truth speakers and people who use their voice for good.

The world rewards people who hide their bad behind good deeds and although I never do any of what I do for validation or recognition, some recognition would have quashed the false narratives spread about me.

I don't fit in with the majority or the cliques so they step on me and laugh in my face whilst lying and making out I'm the harmful one. I've suffered enough at the hands of my ex and other exes and people with ego and huge responsibilities around me.

Again, I can't really say anything because the false community protection notice sent to silence me could end up corruptly becoming a criminal record and I've been sabotaged and abandoned and turned away from help, enough.

I don't recommend and won't recommend people who side with abusers or maladaptive individuals and if others want to justify the abuse by pointing out the good things the same abusers have done I can't stop them, as if abuse and good deeds aren't interconnected.

The cycles of abuse are the same, bad people do good for a reason. That's why trauma bonds happen and I've suffered enough for merely wanting an apology and awareness. I've lost enough and I've cried enough over a man that I wasted two years of my life supporting who turned my neighbours against me (which wasn't hard). When you're weird and outspoken others will easily jump on the bandwagon of hate simply because they can't understand you therefore you must be something or someone awful.

All I've ever done is tried to get justice and safeguarding and I've stopped a LOT of charity and community work because some leaders near me can't be impartial and chose to harm over resolution.

Am I not allowed to not have had enough? 

Apparently I'm not.

"Just get over it!"

I wish I was.

Anyways I just want this video interview of the crimes committed against me over and done with and I want to be able to put everything to rest so I can focus on 2025 and continuing my goals and aspirations.

I still want to drive so badly so I can leave this wretched and corrupt af town a lot and venture out into the world where others are more respectful and accepting of me.

Where it's okay to be different and not fit in any cliques.

I'm going to stay single until I find someone worthy of reciprocal love and build a strong foundation with and that's not for the faint of heart and I'm expecting some new friends to drop away because they never intended to be a friend and solely only sought a relationship with me, that's on them and not me.

I don't know if I'll develop feelings for anyone and I won't lie, I want someone to build my life with but I won't rush into anything ever again and I'd rather struggle alone than struggle and suffer with someone by my side.

If they're not making my life better then I don't want it.

My RSD hits hard when people betray their own morals and what they're supposed to stand for to betray me, it hurts like hell too but I can't change it and I can't make others care and like I said in a previous post no amount of awards will ever make the harm they've caused better.

They have to live with that although I doubt they give me a second thought after lying to the police and yes they lied and yes I wish I could appeal the community protection notice and take them to court and bring the witnesses they used to sabotage and ostracise me but again what would that even do?!

The harm has still been done regardless.

The police said I can't appeal it and I don't even think it's an official document, no date on it, false allegations about organisation members being distressed, three names and three specific organisations mentioned on it against me, no ombudsman information and I should maybe email Durham County Council a copy because it's not signed, not dated and there's no deadline to follow.

I also have home CCTV of the police lady telling me I can't appeal it and according to online sources it says you're supposed to be able to appeal it within 21 days so is this more corrupt scaremongering or what?!

Still struggling to get my head around it but I can't name any organisations just incase they do use it to sabotage my charity work and me further.

I won't play into their sadistic hands.

If other people on my town want to believe their false narratives and think highly of people who do such scummy things then that's on them. They're on the wrong side of history, not me, and my blog will eventually be printed into a book or written into an auto biography and it's not my fault they chose sadism and abuse over apologies and resolution.

And gawd help others around them because behaviour has a pattern, why else would they choose sadism and lies and scaremongering to silence me over resolution and apologies, what other horrendous things have they done and can they even be trusted with confidential and sensitive information if they're incapable of running their organisations fairly, adhere to policies and procedures and incapable of remaining impartial?

Not my problem, not my circus. I can't save everyone, I'm struggling to save myself right now.

My previous blogs and TikToks and YouTubes document the organisations and what they did and it's all factual so I don't even need to mention them anymore, the truth seekers will be able to find the evidence and think for themselves instead of being puppeteered to hate me.

Why aren't I over this yet though? Them and my ex? Why are things like this so hard for people with CPTSD and Autism?

I think once I record the song I wrote called S.O.S (save our souls) about being in distress then I can move forward from my past experiences with unpleasant individuals.

But how can I move forward from my ex abuser when I'm still, twenty-one years onwards not over my first ex abuser and what he did? I don't have all the answers but according to Harbour I am not supposed to and I'm not allowed to be hard on myself for not knowing what to do or how to cope.

I am hard on myself though, always have been which is why I sought out support groups and support networks before they stabbed me in the back. I regret seeking help, it's only added to my trauma and I'm worse off now than I was before I attended the groups.

No matter what I achieve or celebrate I always feel like a failure and I'm trying to change that too.

I've had a few new contributions to my disability awareness book as an author so I've been focusing on writing that and making it something I can be proud of, but what if after all of that i still feel like I'm not good enough? Like I haven't changed the world or helped others enough? What then?

I need to fix me and right now I don't even know where to start and instead of helping me like they promised me, they've dug knives deeper into my soul and expected me to just be okay.

I'm not.

And it's okay to not be okay, no matter how many people make you feel like it isn't. I never asked for what happened to me, in fact I asked for help, support, I wanted the opposite.

I guess, although it's not much, I can always be grateful I'm nothing like those who harmed me, and I hope my podcast helps others and their children escape abusive situations.

No one deserves any unkindness or abuse and violence has no place in any relationship.

Atleast I know I can't trust the organisations that promised to help me now, and atleast I see them for who they actually are not who they pretend to be and that's a blessing in disguise because I can't fall victim to them again now.

No one chooses to be a victim, we often seek support and end up harmed without our consent, so forgive me for not being able to stand people who blame us. Say we chose this. We did NOT.

We sought safe spaces, or safe partners, we sought support and help. No victim has ever wanted to be a victim and no victim ever will. That's the point of the word. If only people used their minds and understood that.

Too many people shoot the messenger these days as opposed to the people who wronged others. It's as if the bad deeds themselves are condonable, but talking about them is absolutely NOT.

Surely that's something that needs to change?!

I can't be the only one who thinks this way, can't be the only authentic and genuine person left in this area?

Reading some of the disability contributions to my book is hard, and it will be for readers when it's eventually published, but hopefully then people will realise how much the disabled and different suffer. The world wasn't made for us, and boy do we know it.

My voice is all I have left and I will always use it to support the underdogs, the betrayed, the abused, the lied about, the bullied, the left behind and every and any one out there whose ever been made to feel 'less than'.

That's my legacy.

Whether I'm hated for it or not.

I can't change others, but I can work with authentic and real charities and action positive change in bigger and better ways than working with small minded, small town, egos.

I have goals, and I will see them through til my last breath.

I'm building a life for myself now, 37 years too late, but I'm starting now and I'm doing my best and that's all I can do.

I remind myself I'm still important to those who love me and my son and parents and the part of my family that have accepted me and not discarded me...that counts for something.

If I didn't pick myself up, I'd no longer be here and that is not an option, I've let myself down too many times in the past, it's my time to prove to myself that I have my own back and I matter, atleast to me and my close ones, if not many others.

I can't save everyone and it was never my job to, but I'm proud of me for trying to. 

Atleast I can sleep at night knowing my actions and words are in alignment and my morals can't be purchased or bought or that I'll never side with abusive people. 

I may feel invisible and a failure a lot, but that's on others for not opening their eyes, that's not on me.

All I can do at this point is see what happens if I don't quit.

Sending all my love and positive vibes to my readers, and thank you for not giving up on me and for giving me hope in a world that often has me feeling hopeless.

I appreciate you.

Sarah Wingfield ❤️ xx