Abandonment, Support and Bus Stop Seating:

 

It's exhausting when every single thing is a fight and you do your best to try and make progress when others constantly put you down.

They don't help, it's easier to be cruel and say horrible things to hurt you than to help.

Well yesterday I got a phone call out of the blue and I'm so grateful about it.

The lady I spoke to seemed absolutely lovely which put all my unrest and anxiety in regards to past experiences with adult social services at rest.

She was polite and friendly and has made an appointment to come and assess my needs, I'm finally feeling like my endless struggle for help may be coming to an end.

As I currently study safeguarding children courses to make a positive difference in the world and work exceptionally hard towards the independent visitor position for children in the care system, and sent away for my provisional looking to eventually get a car, I finally feel like I may be able to get some much needed support.

I'm trying not to get ahead of myself of course, having been let down majorly in the past and my home currently looking like a bomb site as I fight my disability and physical pain to continue through, all I can hope for is some much needed help to get my house where it needs to be.

We've made an appointment for me to meet the new social worker and get the assessment done in two weeks and I got even more emotional today about everything.

How anyone can think anyone likes living like this in clutter I don't know. My whole body right now without even doing anything is in agony, all my muscles feel pulled and I feel exhausted and like I'm groggy and slurring words again. I do that during POTS flare ups and bad pain flare up days and I've still been pushing through and fighting through on days I should have been resting, leading to more burnout and pain.

I have the council meeting this afternoon and I'm approaching them about bus stop seating issues and with the lack of seating or openings to see the buses, leading to buses being missed, it's acting as a deterrent to the services. Statistics will be incorrect as it will have recorded less people using the service in comparison to the amount that would like to, or have tried and missed buses.

The problem is that the less people recorded using the services the less services they keep on and having lost some buses already I don't think this town should lose anymore.

People keep coming to me and pointing out that they're seeing a lot of families and children, like I have, sat on grass or floors for buses and it impacts the disabled and elderly the most.

At tonights council meeting I hope we can find a solution for all and have the busiest stops catered to atleast, the busiest with exception to the town centre being the train station stops, Tesco and those near horndale and post offices/stores.

We need to provide better seating provision for those busiest stops even though all stops should have seating, we need to work to the budgets the council and Durham county council have and need to prioritise the busiest of stops so then atleast something is done to make it better for all.

I got a message from someone who sits as a community member on the GAMP board and they were wanting to enquire to see if the GATC councillors would all 'chip in' towards seating provisions from their allowances.

I messaged back and explained that I've been advised to go through the correct channels and we can only see what is said at the meeting.

I wish I was rich and could invest in my town more but I can only do what I can with what I have, and at the moment that's an awful disabled body and an outspoken voice ahaha.

I know people won't understand me and they don't care to, but I wish people understood the difficulties and complexities of disability more which is leading to me pushing to get this disability book done, it could take years at this rate as I need a lot of stories but at the end of the day atleast I'm doing something to action positive change and I'm making the most out of the life I have; albeit a difficult one with outsiders judging too much and too harshly constantly.

I can't change how others are but I am implementing things to protect me more and I will continue to do so.

I now have CCTV in my property so that should act as a deterrent to any bullies who think I'm an easy target from now and atleast I will have better evidence if anything were to ever happen again.

I keep moving forward and keeping to myself and just trying to help and it can feel like my efforts are fruitless a lot of the time but I'd still rather try my best and fail than not do anything at all.

I need to stop taking harsh words to heart too, being neurospicy sucks and bullies words just add to depression but I'm a happy - go - lucky little human and I'm proud that I can maintain optimism, most of the time atleast.

If people want to be obstacles to my personal growth I can't stop them but I can say NO and can process things and vent and heal, even if others may fail to understand that or how i cope.

I don't have a support network I can talk to about it all and my blog is my safe space and I may put a lot about my life out there but one day I won't be here and then atleast I can still be advocating for myself even when I'm gone.

My words matter, especially to me and those who I inspire, even though they may not to everyone.

If people cant understand me that's fine but what's not fine is tyrannical or dictating behaviour and judgemental and sadistic actions and words.

I'm not the big bad villain people like to paint me as and one day they themselves will realise that, but meanwhile it's not my responsibility to educate them on the fact they're closed minded or ignorant.

They either wake up to the facts one day or stick in their delusions, either way I wish they'd keep me out of it.

I'm struggling forward no matter what and that's all I can do, and I may not have many in my corner like the narcissistic sorts and abusive sorts do, but atleast those who are there for me aren't being manipulated or puppeteered for personal gain.

I can hold my head proud knowing I do my best, I fix and learn from my mistakes and I'm a problem solver, not someone you can just hate on and rant at cause I won't put up with it.

Either chill out and work WITH me to resolve whatever problems there are or leave me alone completely.

I'm working on some other book projects and I'm avoiding everything, everyone and everywhere that doesn't support me, respect me or brings negativity to my life.

That's what I'm in control of and that is what I'm focusing on.

I'll be glad when all of my house is sorted and organised and decorated and I can sit back and feel safe and relaxed and like my life is how it was always meant to be.

I look forward to those days, because living in clutter and fighting your body to do the most simplest of tasks most days is hell and I'm tired of hell and tired of suffering.

I'm ready for some nice quality time in a nice and tidy and decorated home.

I'm also ready to continue actioning positive change and can do so from a tidy home eventually.

I forget in the heat of the moment, when I'm triggered, or when I'm dealing with abuse, that things eventually will be OK. In those moments they feel like they're never going to be okay and everything is just going to get worse, my anxiety increases and I struggle even more.

I'm done struggling as much, struggling for someone like me is inevitable but I should never have to struggle THIS much.

So here's to looking forward to easier days and changing things for the better for people of my hometown and children in the care system.

I'm proud of the fact that I haven't quit yet, even though I've come pretty close due to experiences of abuse and depression, I may not fit in this world but some of us aren't meant to fit in, we're meant to make waves and make change so others suffer less and that's what I will always try and do.

I just wish people got to know me first, before making up their minds on me, you can't mislabel someone based on NO information and expect it to be accurate.

But here we are.

Sarah 

@KawaiiDollDecora ♡

www.magnoliaphotography.co.uk ♡