..joy...

I'd like to handle some joy, hold it in my hands so preciously, gaze at it, feed it a little, stroke it's little head, tell it that we'd like to see more of it please and share it with others...

It's hard to feel joy when most of the time you have to deal with stressful or negative situations, especially in regards to your own body and disabilities, pain management is important but what if you want a few days detox, I do this from time to time and I find tolerating the bad pain triggers my depression.

It's a vicious cycle and it's hard to find a balance so you wing it, listening to your body when you can and trying hard to get things done that are required of you with little to no support, takes its toll too.

I'm spending less and less time online as more and more bitterness is prominent and people lash out these days and never communicate properly, it's heartbreaking.

I managed to get all my courses done for DCC albeit for one part because it's not loading so I've emailed them about that and I avoid those who were toxic to me these days.

I only want to be around genuine souls, I'm tired of abusive behaviour and negatives, I'm an overthinker so words said stick and fuel depression and I wish people pushing those types of harm onto others could have it deflected back onto themselves instead.

Maybe then they'd think more about their words and how they choose to use them because just because they're an adult doesn't mean they can be malicious, emotionally - soul - destroying, or seek out to actively harm others.

This world still makes no sense to me, the way the government are with those in poverty in this country and with the lack of mental health support and victim support, it's no wonder suicides are at a higher rate, I've had moments where it seems a perfectly reasonable and logical choice given the suffering others choose to inflict and the fact that I'm often not listened to, abandoned, bullied, and mislabeled.

I'm not the villain some try and paint me to be but these people refuse to look inwards and see themselves as they are, hateful and unhelpful.

Accountability is a thing of the past, it's hard to be authentic and accountable and autistic, in a world where if someone disagrees it automatically makes them deserving of psychological warfare, I disagree, I think people deserve space and thoughtful communication and need to be taught to be held accountable.

Some people get away with horrendous things as genuine people are inflicted with horrendous things, the imbalance is beyond ridiculous but it's reality.

People judge with their eyes, as opposed to facts and people choose to hate people these days and choose to create false narratives that match how they want to feel about someone instead of minding their business and simply avoiding people they dislike.

All I'm trying to say is life is hard enough, the system looks out for itself not us and we survive as best as we can and can do without our own peers being manipulated by the system and each other to work against us.

It's about time people self reflected more.

Apologised when in the wrong and we're held accountable for their actions because too many literal villains aren't and too many kind people who haven't even done anything wrong are held accountable for things 'alleged' against them and it's just backwards and wrong.

The game of life is unfair and no matter how you play you can't seem to win so it becomes a case of 'what has this taught me', 'how can I survive' and 'who do I need to avoid'.

Life should be so much better than this. So much better.

I do my best and sometimes that's enough and although that's okay, for me, it's not okay, I need to be able to do more to change things for people and help people more. 

I don't feel like I do enough, and there's always more than needs to be done.

Sarah

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