Chronic Pain is NO joke:

 

I had to use the stairlift yesterday, and I cried as I stood and had to wait a very long time for the rail to lower and I worried about the noise as my neighbours aren't very kind when it comes to noise even though I overlook all of theirs, so I cried.

I just came on, Dismennoreah pain was crippling me and my body keeps coming on and off and on and off and I'm stuck in a state where I feel like I've been injected with a very heavy lead and it's been pushed through all of my veins.

My muscles cramp, stiffen, seize, my tendons and ligaments join in and my inflammation markers become higher which leads to organ inflammation.

At the top of the stairs I had to wait for the rail to noisily go back into place, dried my tears and went to bed.

I never asked for any of this but this is the hand that I've been dealt and sometimes all you can do is cry.

All the comments people make about me start to play on loop in my head as depression takes hold of every bad thing that's been said and shot my way, in the hopes of destroying me.

I've been destroyed a million times already and as cracked and broken as I am I will never become like those who hurt me.

I support and uplift and use my voice to challenge abusers and those who mistreat and speak up for all those who can't.

I take the HATE so they don't have to.

Being in the public eye makes you a target for every insecure jelly baby and troll imaginable and it's even worse when it's your neighbours words and teachers and ex friends that replay in your mind because they lack empathy and compassion and the capacity to be kind.

These are their issues not yours yet you carry them in your mind and your mind fires them at you like ammo when your body is torturing you.

How many people have broken because some words were too much of a weapon? How many no longer here because of something someone said?

If people understood the weight of words and actually used them like they meant them, in alignment with their actions, maybe things could be different.

I hit rock bottom last night.

The world and doctors tell me I need to lose weight so I'm trying, but without the capacity to exercise better in cold conditions all I'm doing is the equivalent of stabbing my muscles and making them bleed. Harming my body.

I do what I can, when I can and I remind myself "it's Okay to be a Turtle and not a Hare" but this world is so corrupt and backwards and people are so blind to facts and truth, sitting all safe behind their screens, scrutinising people that are twice the person they could ever dream of being, instead of fixing their own flaws and facing their own demons.

Deflection is easy.

Hate is easy.

Even easier when you hate yourself so much you can't look at yourself, well I have and did and spent years doing it.

Still meditate and analyse myself and my actions to be the best version of me I can ever be and it's not for the faint of heart, but those of us that never quit even when our bodies are literally torturing us and the people of the world laugh and hate cause the torture is invisible to them, we still conquer. We still rise and we use our voices for every other soul that was put in the same position, dealt the same cards, and we don't need awards or validation, we do it when people are looking AND when people aren't, simply because it's the right thing to do.

I am a flawed human person too, by my flaws were crafted from abusers and haters, not of my own doing and they fuel depression, I never hurt others and holding a mirror up to bad behaviour sometimes is what's necessary and yes I'm targeted and hated for that but that's okay, I'll keep shining my light for those who need it and me.

Hate is easy, actioning positive change is hard.

And I'll always be the REAL me.

I may cry and swear and suffer endlessly, but I also step UP for those around me and I'm anti-abuse and will stamp it out as best as I can whenever I see it.

We could have a whole different world, but people won't allow it.

As if the system isn't bad enough.

I can't pretend to fit in or understand this world and I never have, even my Myers Briggs makes me less than 1-2% of the WHOLE EARTH'S population, and plus my disabilities and autism, I'm different alright.

But for me, that's a blessing because I'll never become like those who hurt me.

I fight every single day and deal with chronic pain and still don't quit because I want to inspire others to believe in themselves in a world where they are constantly told NOT to.

Well I'm telling you the OPPOSITE and I hope to be an inspiration even for ONE individual.

That is still change and if I can better one individuals life then I've done enough. I've done a lot more than most.

Sarah Wingfield Author 🌹

KDoll

KawaiiDollDecora 

@KawaiiDollDecora ♡

www.magnoliaphotography.co.uk ♡

#chronicpain #depression #paincycles #world #foodforthought #disabilityadvocate #wordsareweapons