Bedbound:
The more I go out into the world and the more I'm around people the more hostilities and negatives I have to deal with and it has made me rethink some of the hardest years of my life, ones that felt like a hell or a prison, in comparison to how people choose to act or behave these days, is feeling more and more like it was a retreat.
I should never feel like I don't belong in this world and I should never have to deal with people who just want to be nasty and choose anger over resolution.
I face so many challenges every day that I don't need any more thank you, and I have a right to get to the bottom of things so I can understand things and avoid anyone whose genuinely malicious or negative and only be around those I feel safe with.
Yesterday there was a name on a fake account that started a group merging my pages name with another page (although they mocked me and my explanation of the disrespect and how people will go to their group thinking it's mine as people do, they see a name they have heard and think it's the same group, which is therefore taking credit for all the hard work I've done with my group and group name.)
I've removed my blog posts I made about it because after thinking about it, they don't deserve any limelight because they can't understand disrespect, and it won't change anything anyway, they're adamant on taking credit from both groups so c'est la vie.
But the fake profile they used to pick fights with me and mock me, had a very specific name on their URL and there was only one person, that I could see, on my town with that name.
I was upfront but I never put anyone on blast, (or intended to), I don't think like others do maliciously so didn't realise how it could be mistaken as such, I was even asking other people with similar names and they didn't feel like attacking me over asking them, because if they're not behind it then fair enough, people don't care cause they're not behind it, but I have a right to know who is!
I could have handled it better with my post and can see how they thought it was on blast so I amended it all because that was definitely not my intention.
Never good enough. Just be a punching bag Sarah, that's all people these days see you as and if you say no to being a doormat it escalates so quickly to more negativity and abuse. It's a lose/lose situation so avoiding is best, even though my kindness and passion for resolution has me replying reasonably to people who are adamant on being unreasonable.
This hurts myself, but I'm too kind and I like to fix things and make things better.
They weren't attacking me, they claim, as they claim they're not behind the page, but they sure chose to use that as an opportunity to START!
I dealt with their negativity and hostilities because I genuinely felt guilty for my mistakes, I amended it and I apologised, sincerely and wholeheartedly more than three times, and it still took FOUR or five people including them to use this as an excuse to be hostile and to start a fight.
Their justification my one post enquiring upset them so they can be mean, right? Right?! 🙄
In the end when nothing was good enough and a gentleman became a bully and laughed at my posts and was open about his lack of care or compassion to me, (his eagerness to upset me), and another lady made false accusations about me as if the world is black and white but it's not, it's completely complicated and a range of hues and shades, I realised my words were falling on deaf and very judgemental ears.
So I said they're bang out of order and clarified things but it only shows that they don't care how I really am in real life, if they can find an opportunity to attack or be hateful, they will.
In the end I said think what you want, because I did my best and it wasn't good enough, they wanted me as an enemy and why do I have to be so different that I feel most people choose to make me an enemy instead of trying to understand me or make space for me.
Hating is easier, reminds me of school days and office politics days, it's sad.
I can only fix me and when I do it doesn't mean I'm forced to be a verbal punching bag, especially when it's not justified.
I'm hated for everything, hated when I fix things, hated when I call people out on their bad behaviours, hated when they don't own their actions or apologise, hated when they troll or bully or harass or lie about me, and I'm hated for how I dress, my weight, my gender some days, hated for being disabled and mentioning it with valid arguments, hated. Just hated.
There is no winning. Never will be.
I'm only safe when I'm alone.
With their hostilities in hindsight, I am not actually convinced that it isn't them behind the profile, I think they were way too defensive and went into attack-mode overdrive so maybe they're lying, maybe they're just choosing to be nasty, either way I still have no answers and I stand by what I said that they should be informed that someone is using her name on a URL on a fake Newton Aycliffe profile page on Facebook.
Working theories are allowed, I never said definitively that it was anyone because I can't. It would be illogical to have, but querying it is my right.
People don't care for resolution anymore.
They only care that they get an excuse to be nasty, hostile or abusive and I say NO.
I wasn't nasty or abusive and didn't act like a D with the post, tbh I was flippant and laughed it off cause life is hard and people are definitely keen on making it harder.
I can react poorly, I can get triggered, I can have autistic or emotional meltdowns and I don't have any mental health support anymore, so forgive me if I don't want to be around antagonists or people who can bring that side of me out.
I'm far from perfect but I'm a person too and I'm sick of everything and everyone telling me I DONT MATTER!
I should matter too!
I've been shouted at over the phone by a gentleman that runs our local press, no reply to the complaint, no apologies and a gentleman from a local disability charity grovelled in appreciation for their free press when they treated me abysmally.
It's heartbreaking, and when this gentleman on my town showed gratitude to the aggressor who'd chosen to be verbally aggressive to my son and I whilst we were in public, I felt it sent a clear message that as a disability organisation they prefer promotions over protecting and safeguarding the disabled on their town, and I had to step back from a charity that I had made friends in.
Alone again, no animosity towards the charity and I'll help all I can, but I can't be a part of any group that behaves that way. I had clarified I was separate from them but it wasn't good enough.
The first part he wrote was fine, it was the personal remarks and the grovelling to someone whose clearly like this to A LOT OF PEOPLE on the town, not just me, that I can't stand for.
Don't claim to want the world to be better for disabled people if you condone people making disabled people's lives unnecessarily harder!
I've been attacked verbally and locked out without a food parcel by a different charity on the town and still no apologies for that, nor the vicious and judgemental email that was sent when I explained how upset I was.
I openly admit I didn't handle that well, but who would with NO support and a lot of eager judgement from people around me.
They condone abuse as long as they get something out of it, they don't care that I can't use the charity anymore or have to avoid them because I know the truth and who and how they really behave when they're told they did something bad.
Police let the CCTV get taped over.
But I'm the problem for wanting to be treated kindly and fairly and to discuss and hash any issues out so people can see when they're mistaken and so I can fix me when I'm the one mistaken.
People aren't interested.
I'm starting to feel more alone in my home town and like people don't want me to support or help the community, it offsets my depression and I feel like there's no point in me existing if I'm just to be a target for others misguided hate.
I can't win no matter what I do, it's as if my very existence is just a target for other people and their hate.
Some people clearly pretend to be your friend but love to throw you under the bus and run with assumptions. More lessons learned.
I'm a complex individual, but it's not my fault people aren't as willing to understand me as I am willing to understand others.
I feel like I'm not meant to exist. That isn't easy, fighting with your head and physical disabilities and body every single day.
It's not for the weak.
I feel like most things I do are pointless and people can't be compassionate or patient.
People don't even fix their mistakes but are so eager to spread hate about you even though you're someone who actually fixes their mistakes.
I feel like giving up. 💔
I'm taking a rest day, not forgetting my volunteering, I actually felt like I could be there for someone with this and I'm glad I took it on, atleast if I don't manage to make much of a difference elsewhere atleast I can make a positive difference with this.
I also quit the beta testing course due to the behaviour of admin when my time is precious and everything I do hurts and depletes my energy.
They can just delete a post, but it takes me ages to gather images and videos and type it out and if I'm focusing my energy on that then I'm losing energy and focus on other things.
They gave me a warning when they should have given me a chance to edit it and I wasted my time and energy editing it to try and be a part of their community only for them to have deleted it and been nasty over it.
Most people can do all they want to do on their to do list, they don't have disabilities to fight with, conditions or mental health, I have to pick ONE or the OTHER as I can't do both.
I'm sick of exhausting myself for people to just stomp on me, hate on me and steal the credit for all my hard work.
What's the point, of being someone who actually cares in todays society?
There clearly isn't one anymore and I'd have definitely been better off as a narcissist as others behaviours couldn't touch me then.
Never thought I'd wish to be numb but here we are, caring feels like a curse and the more hard work I put in the more people want to sabotage and betray and hate.
I'm hitting pause and re-focusing my energy.
I'm going to do the 'understanding autism' course online via Lincoln College because it will be beneficial to me and help me to help others, or atleast TRY to.
People are hard to gauge, sometimes my naivety has me rooting for people who wear a second mask behind my back, and thats not ok.
If I feel that people don't stand for what they claim I will avoid them.
I'm hated anyway, so what's the point.
Alone is safe.
