Dreams:
I had a dream that some strangers that chose to behave poorly towards me in the past, no apologies, no closure, suddenly gained an interest in me... 😔 but although I was kind and patient and allowed them some space in my lane, they were still only interested with malicious intentions.
I will take this as a caution from the universe as to how easy I find it to trust sometimes, especially if it's for a bigger goal or good cause, my usual trust issues tend to go out of the window because I forget that even if they wish to put things behind them for better results, they had malicious agendas in the first place and behaviour has a pattern.
So if anything happens from now where I have to work with people who were unkind, it happens it's life, instead of being my whimsical self with them, I will need to tread with caution, because every single thing I do could be misused, re-written under other narratives, misunderstood, or used to try and sabotage me.
I'm not a threat to anyone, hostilities are never necessary, I'm just different. 🩷✨
In Darlington yesterday I was nervous due to my flare ups as of late and the pain I'm in and have been in, but I was met with lots of love and smiles by most!
My friend and I even helped a gentleman with crutches to a taxi, even though I couldn't do much at all and I hurt myself quite a bit in the process of carrying a small amp, yea I know it sucks, I can't stop being who and how I am and having the morals I have.
Doing something like that, even though it hurts, even though I need rest, could cause other people to claim I don't need PIP, the sabotaging of people is unreal these days but I have my medical evidence to back everything up, and I'm used to fights that I didn't start, didn't want to be a part of and trust me, you don't want to try and put me in any position where I'll just come out of it winning.
I'm merely authentic. My words hold weight. I don't do fake, trust me if I could I would my life would be so much easier because of how different I am, but it's not, it's just not me.
Despite the rollercoaster of reactions I deal with in regards to my differences, I still choose to remain kind and focus on the things I can do and can change and people who try and invade my lane will just have to forgive me for not wanting to deal with negativity without potential resolution, or hostilities for no reason.
If life gets harder for me there will always be solutions, if I'm not supported appropriately in my environment then I can move and change my environment.
I don't want to, definitely don't want to have to, but if it's ever required of me, I would because I have so much more I'd like to achieve and so many more creative avenues I want to support and help with.
Creatives don't get a lot of support and the way social media is towards them is ridiculous, so I will always invest in charities and creative avenues to help other people reach their goals and dreams.
How I spend anything I save is up to me, and creative avenues need revenue more than anything.
When I say kindness matters, it's much more than a mantra or positive 'pop-pysch' quote, I live it, I breathe it and no matter how bad the world gets, helping others who need it will always put a smile on my face.
If you can't understand my actions that's fine, but people who comment should try to understand before dictating or commenting negatively, because I am a meticulous thinker and data gatherer and there'll be a million and one reasons that I dealt with something, or did something in a certain way.
If it doesn't make sense to someone that's fine, but a lot of what others do doesn't make sense to me and instead of targeting them and how they use their own profiles and social medias, I leave them to it because unless anything is directed at me, it's simply not my business and never will be.
I'm used to being misunderstood, I'm used to projection (usually negative) from others but despite how awful I feel on my lowest days, no matter how bad my depression gets, I cry it out, feel awful, but I don't stop towards my goals.
I can feel like quitting, I'm only human, but despite everything or how hated I feel sometimes, or even when my RSD flares up, difficult lives impact this too not just being on the autistic spectrum, I still move forward and do my best with the lessons learned from all my mistakes.
Whether I'm alone and unsupported, or encouraged and appreciated, doesn't change my heart, passion, goals or dedication.
I know some days are harder than they should be and it feels pointless, but no one is ever in charge of you, your life or choices, but you.
You need to focus on what matters the most to you and work towards it, irregardless of how the world perceives you.
There's real villains in the world and it makes room for them, so it will just have to adjust to your existence too. Ahaha.
Have a great Friday everyone and weekend and let's hope we have this wonderful sunshine continue!
Sarah Wingfield Author
@KawaiiDollDecora ♡
www.magnoliaphotography.co.uk ♡
