Hit rock bottom today:
With everything I've been through as of late and all that I still need to do, I've deactivated Facebook for a little while... major PTSD trigger earlier today that spiralled and I am not happy with myself but that's trauma for ya...
Flashbacks are the worst, it's like going through it all over again and you feel the pain as if it's happening all over again and that's the hardest thing, I have police involvement but called Samaritans today and I'm trying my best to work through it.
Rock bottom isn't fun and everything has been feeling fruitless lately and like I'm not achieving anything and with the pressure on me with my house I haven't been able to sort studies like I need so probably taken on too much on top.
Even now I feel like I've let everyone down and I didn't expect my head to get so bad mental health wise today, I am just run down, exhausted and feel abandoned from mental health support when I need them the most, due to my recent experiences with sexual assault by an ex partner.
I wish people understood how these assaults impact the victims and we try our best and try to stay strong and it's not good when people in my hometown have been overly harsh and judgemental and brought unnecessary and unwanted negativity to every single effort I make to try and help others and make the town better.
They are so quick to defend their poor behaviour and judge and talk about people struggling, yet there they are targeting someone authentically and legitimately struggling and still trying to make a positive difference.
The Samaritans said I need to do something for myself but I have always been an advocate and studied etc and tried to help change the world, I wouldn't know where to even begin in regards to doing something for myself, so it's given me something to think about atleast, I wouldn't even know where to start.
Atleast the one thing with hitting rock bottom is there is only one way to go from here and that's up, I just need to keep focused and definitely would benefit from more support, but that's up to the system to be honest.
I've been through some traumatic situations recently and I need to be kinder to myself because it's hard to process and I am worthy of support so let's hope the Goodall centre can get back involved and that they can sort it with social services to implement the scheme the police and safeguarding team discussed with me to help me with decluttering my home with my disability and pain condition.
It's hard when everything is on your shoulders and you try and stay strong but you're only human.
Why do I write about this? As an artist and blogger I document how the world is, atleast not just for me but for others too and I hope others can relate and hope that my blog gives someone else strength, that they know they're not alone with struggles and that they matter even if the world makes them think they don't.
The Samaritans lady was absolutely lovely and I'm round my parents and working through all my struggles.
Sending love to my family and friends who've picked me up today as I hit rock bottom and I hope this is the worst I'll feel as a victim and I hope I can process all of this pain and trauma and get through it and back to my happy go lucky self that dedicates so much time to building others up.
My charity work matters, even when I feel like it's fruitless, my advocating matters, even when discarded and mistreated by others claiming to do the same on my town and even when it's ignored and not printed properly by my towns paper.
All of these people have only added to my stress and trauma and that's their behaviour and on them, I am carrying enough heavy burdens and weight and I don't need theirs on top.
I am letting go of how others have treated me abysmally and I am going to rebuild me into a stronger and more determined individual in which that I can stand on my own feet so strong that when the carpet/rug is pulled from under my feet, I can still stand strong as it won't even shake me.
My problem is I've cared too much and invested too much in charities and people on my town that aren't worthy of kindness because they aren't who they claim to be and they've let down not only me but all disabled people by condoning abuse simply because they get free promotions.
Now people have shown me who they truly are I need to accept that and avoid them and continue working hard with what I do.
I do need to figure out what I can do for me though, cause I don't even know where to begin.
I apologise to everyone I worried today and I can't help it, it made sense at the time when my mental health was at its lowest that it would be pointless to continue existing and I never ever sought attention or intended to be selfish and definitely never wanted to hurt anyone around me; I just found myself struggling and felt alone and the world has shown me I'm not alone.
I have some amazing family and some amazing friends who will tell me how it is and I need to appreciate that and accept that and that they know what they're talking about.
I also need to fight for more support and mental health support because being undiagnosed autistic isn't helping matters especially when I get overwhelmed.
Let's hope I can get my life back on track and recover from all of the ordeals and traumatic experiences I've endured, including the recent ones and it's just going to take some time to process.
Sorry this is a vulnerable post.
Sending love to everyone struggling right now and if you need ANY help please whatever you do, reach out to Samaritans or any other helplines because at the time your head can trick you into thinking that your existence is pointless and it will be better for everyone if you no longer exist, and if my family have shown me anything today, that is NOT the case and FAR from the truth.
Here's some numbers that can help you save yourself when you need to.
Sarah xo
@KawaiiDollDecora ♡
www.magnoliaphotography.co.uk ♡
Never struggle in silence.
If you save anyone today, save yourself.
Much love. ❤️
