Two Options:
I have two options this morning:
Just started women's time which flares up everything, have a sinus and ear infection and got through last night thanks to little bits of whiskey...
..and yet...
Option one:
I have to tackle decluttering today, otherwise I'll miss the free collection, so if I hurt myself atleast the council will know I've tried my best, gotta tackle things alone sometimes. Rules of the world... lone wolf lore...
...or...
Option two:
..I can stop trying to psyche myself up to do it when I know I can't and it will end up resulting in way more pain and an autistic meltdown and tears, and no one will likely understand..and I can just fob off the world and the system who *consistently* lets me down by failing to understand the complexity of dynamic disabilities to the point their *inflexibility* tends to be a detriment to the disabled and I can actually take my own advice and be KIND to myself today...
--
...for once I'm going to do the latter because at this rate I'll just put myself in hospital and we are SO NOT doing that... ever again.. recovering people pleaser putting her foot down... fighting ADHD and self pressure and will still likely end up in tears but atleast it'll be less pain and no hospitals.
Atleast I managed to get dressed despite dizziness, think I may have also cracked a filling/tooth on the painful side so that won't have helped.
Inflammation markers majorly high so everything is agony and feels bruised and swollen and heavy and tender, I mean who needs hell when we have our personal one on Earth? Where people get to hate on you freely, your body hates you and you're like the easily hurt fragile broken doll at the bottom of a box, where you never quite fit, not even around education as even there you're left stuck facing more bad pain days and losing the time to study that everyone else takes for granted.
I'm likely to fail because there's no room for me in this system, and even back in college then, DCC taking my bus pass off me for exam weeks when I had an undiagnosed invisible chronic pain disability and undiagnosed neurospicy so I had to find a job to cover bus fare which meant that I didn't have the time to study and they lost an A student.
GCSE's I was too ill from going to school daily and trying to keep up with everyone else that I didn't get the grades I should have in those either.
An unprofessional female teacher caused a panic attack in one of the exams so that exam never even got completed (by not doing the rules of the exam as laid out by Dr) so it's not like everything I try and do is thwarted by our system...wait...it is? Ha!
And yet I still try and try and I will resit and resit and resit and do everything as many times as is possible.
The system won't bend for me and I'm disabled so can't bend for it, so just have to get repetitive and work with what I got.
...but once this pain is over I'm still going to give it my all.
*Exhausted vent over*
Sarah xo
#chronicpain #deadlines #inflexibility #lonewolf #painshouldnot
belife #mentalhealth #beingkindtomyself
