Art processing and practice:
I had a bad fall recently and I've had a lot of safeguarding from police due to the situation and crimes committed against me by an ex partner.
Life has been a heavyweight of lows, managed to hurt my ankle coming back from a charity event raising money for a wheelchair for Community Spirit, on top of the things I've been dealing with in regards to my ex partner, not being given the space to exist in my own little lane, it seems like shots are being fired from all directions and I'm trying to smile and dance at the centre of a storm.
People I supported and worked with turned out to not have the morals they claimed and I'm just exhausted from one negative after another...
*Takes a breath*
So I was exceptionally happy and proud when I managed to get my unit submitted for my studies, made a start on my safeguarding children courses, still learning Japanese and the icing on the cake was winning this bursary which has changed my art abilities no end.
I've attached two images I created with the XP Pen and it's been an emotional last few weeks and I've tried to do my best to safeguard others from my ex partner and I've done all I can, and I feel like no matter what I do in life, I'm just hated; so atleast I'm doing my best to protect others irregardless of how I'm viewed.
Everyone seems to have a passionate opinion about how I should live my life but they all contradict one another and they can't accept that no matter what I do there will always be people unhappy because that's about them and not me.
I can only do my best and I'm done apologising for not being how people wanted me to be and I'm being authentically me.
I stopped my Sertraline and I've had better clarity as a result so I don't think I should try that again, and despite being abandoned by the mental health system I think I'm doing pretty good.
I'm using more natural methods to manage mental health and CBT, replacing negative thinking with positives (when I notice) and it would be a lie if I said my ex's behaviour hasn't impacted my mental health and self esteem because of all of the hurtful things that were said and everything I've experienced but I'm glad that I know that those were weaponised to hurt me and hinder me and came from someone who definitely did not love me.
If you love someone you build them up, surprise them, show up for them and one day I'll find reciprocal love but for now I got Ponyo and Bud and all of my goals that I work ever so hard to achieve.
I'm used to my own little lane so I'm keeping in it and continuing to try and make the world better than I found it, my health just keeps giving me more and more bad news so I'm probably not going to be around a long time so may as well do the best I can in the time I do have.
My kidneys currently aren't filtering my blood right and I have mild osteoarthritis in my hips, and no matter what I do to fight my body and prove the lesser kind drs that I'm genuine, it's very rare I find I make progress, but I don't quit, just pause.
It's like running underwater against the current and you end up running backwards, but I won't give up.
My goals won't achieve themselves.
Just bear with me whilst I try and process and deal with everything life is throwing at me right now.
Sarah.
