Healing isn't easy, it's painful:

 

The harmful behaviour I've had to deal with still affects me today and I'm doing my best to rise above it and acknowledge and accept that some adults aren't who they claim to be, bullying behind the scenes whilst seeking encouragement and support. 

I'm proud I'm not like them and I'm working hard on finding new and genuine support spaces that are safe to help me overcome all the abuse and bullying I've had to deal with.

It's hard when you're the only one who knows the truth and you aren't a nasty person so you don't go around recruiting hate campaigns and speaking against people, I mean I could if I wanted to but that would make me exactly like those who have harmed me and who I avoid.

They've added to struggles, they've caused emotional and irreparable harm. They have worked together and abused their trust, power and safe spaces and I want nothing whatsoever to do with any of that.

I'm not naming names here but I have and always will document my life as it happens and any time I make mistakes I fix myself and do better because life, the good and the bad is all a lesson and life is what we choose to make of it.

They don't experience the results of their harm and they stand facing themselves, convincing themselves they are good people because the truth wouldn't sit well even with themselves.

I have my first counselling appointment soon and I'm overcoming all the sabotage and abuse and harm thrown my way and I'm building my own life and sacrificing and working hard to change things as well as help others.

I'm no pawn but I'm done with abuse and abusive people.

I found things out recently that would make people's skin crawl and would empty the alleged safe spaces specific people claim to have, but sabotage is not my colour and people like them will always sabotage themselves because harm for power is more important than actual support and morals.

I avoid.

I'll keep avoiding and I'll keep protecting myself and having my back because I didn't want to become a target and I don't consent to continue to being one.

I'm taking my power back and I'm building a life where I can leave where I live and leave the harmful people and abusers behind.

I'm working on moving away and forward and healing from every single thing that has happened to me I did not deserve.

I deserve support, I'm still awaiting sexual abuse counselling and that waiting list is very long, I've seen the dark parts of the world and every single day I survive I make an active decision to do NO harm and to avoid unsafe people and places.

I genuinely think about my behaviour and I have a strong passion for justice but some people are beyond saving or helping and it's not my job to educate or try and assist those who choose to bully, target, lie and abuse me.

It's not my responsibility to get others to see them for who and how they are and it never was and never will be, it is however my responsibility to try and heal and overcome all the harm done to me and work towards changing my life for the better which is the journey I started well before I met them and is the journey I am still on.

I regret nothing because I've never mistreat anyone the way I've been mistreat and the truth is something that can't be changed no matter what, and is something I have to acknowledge no matter how hard that will be for me to swallow. I still choke on the harm they've caused but it won't be like this forever because I deny them the power to abuse and torture me more than they already have.

It's unfortunate the world we live in is full of distrust and malicious intent, but that is not what I'll ever choose to surround myself with, others can support and keep the poison, I however will always endure the harm and pain and spit the poison out so it doesn't have to continue to impact me long after the attacks.

Healing isn't easy, it's painful, as you force yourself to acknowledge and accept what has been done to you, unnecessarily done but if we don't face and acknowledge it we can't overcome it and we can't learn to live with it.

I will always have bad days because of it but I refuse to give them the power to give me a bad life.

We reach a certain point in life where we have to block those who are poisoned against us when we would love to help them to heal, they chose sides and they chose harm too and we can't change that.

I have been blocking and trying hard to cope with everything and I'm doing a lot of good behind the scenes and I don't need the validation, just knowing how I make a difference and save people is enough.

Power will always be sought by those who have ill intent, and those with genuine intent are rarely ones who make it into powerful scenarios because they can't be manipulated and don't have a price.

Live and let live but never become like the monsters who haunt your soul.

Always be better because the world needs and deserves better and I'm still here and still fighting and I'll eventually heal from all the harm.

Those closest to me know the truth, have seen the trail of evidence left behind by them, and maybe that's why silencing me is something they're so keen to do to the point they'll attack more and be abusive more to do, well they didn't even need to because I'm not like them and I never will be.

It's not up to me to tell others what to think about people, people deserve to learn for themselves and my truth speaking has only ever been for safeguarding purposes so if anything were to ever happen to me, that could also be proven.

Safeguarding is the most important thing to me because I don't want anyone to ever have to endure what I have but I regret nothing because it gave me the strength and determination to change my life and I turned my hate for their actions into power as I turned my pain into support and help for others.

I'm proud to be me.

Even if it's lonely because of them.

It may be lonely but I'm safe from them now.

Sarah ❤️