Rumination and AuDhd

Rumination and AuDhd.

I'm still wondering what "agenda" people think I have... 👉🏻👈🏻 ...I hate people sometimes - they don't care how they impact others.

I also hate vague comments and mystery, I'm gonna be ruminating on this all night, wondering what sort of agenda I am rumoured to have.

I also shared an Advocacy post not the abuse update blog - to groups - but I can spit facts till the cows come home and no one cares and no one listens as people just prefer to judge.

Why is this the life lesson I have to keep learning, that people will treat you unkindly and believe false narratives? That abusers will be forever supported and flying monkeys will forever flock together to harm individuals and other aspects of your own communities not only allow this, but support this.

I do not like the way this world is.

People deserve better than this.

I didn't get out of my bedbound and housebound situation to be sabotaged, it's not my fault when people choose sides and wrongly so and prevent community from accessing my support and the safe spaces I've worked hard to build.

I'm a blogger, have been for years but no one facts checks.

I'm not building a CIC for the hell of it, the lack of mental health support is something I'm seriously uncomfortable with so I'll do my best.

We have gaps to bridge and I don't need people to back what I do for it to matter - I'm starting to see that fact sharing and evidence are pointless when people find narratives that match how they want to feel about you as opposed to any truths.

I am awake right now trying to problem solve situations I didn't even create because I care and if others can't even understand that, I'll never be able to make them.

I will fix this situation to the best of my ability and I will stop crying and focus on those who are logical and care about their community because I still have a duty of care to people and hateful storms like this aren't new and they will absolutely pass. 

They always do.

I will let my actions speak for me and the rest? Well, that's just noise.

Like I said to a friend today, it is all noise because their priorities are backwards, fancy prioritising the downfall of a community worker and disability advocate instead of choosing to fix your own behaviour.

People also teach you how not to admin groups and how not to treat others, if you can't help atleast don't harm.

I'm venting and ranting because everyone else seems to be allowed to, but they threaten an incite harm and violence and little me just gets stuff off her chest and deals with obstacles the best she can lol.

I'll never lead to anyone's downfall.

I'll never be the reason someone quits everything.

I'll never be the reason someone lays in bed at night and doesn't feel worthy.

That's my legacy even when it's rewritten as abusive fiction to appease my other haters and those who I evolved and left behind.

Let them rewrite me, all stubborn and dedicated women in history were targets of sabotage and had their truths rewritten.

Nothing will ever change what I've done, what I'm doing and what I continue to do and I will absolutely keep supporting people for challenging harmful behaviour and blocking for peace when there's no resolution.

I re-read what an admin said about a group I've been removed from and I just felt proud of myself that I'd never and have never made such false allegations about someone to justify their removal from any space.

I create safe spaces.

My disabilities are real, there is no "guise", I blogged about my experiences because it's been over a week I've been a target, I've been involved in Darlington and their community for years and even more so now I advertise for free and create articles about the local organisations, charities and amazing people that the others ostracise or misunderstand or target too. 

I shine a light on all the amazing things available and I'm absolutely exhausted of people creating a fictional version of me just so they can have an excuse to give themselves to justify ostracism, abuse or targeting.

I was admin of the Darlington group a long time before the owner left and the group defaulted to me.

When I challenged toxic behaviour the previous admin tried to remove me, the universe had other plans and I listen to my path.

Since taking over the group, it's no longer at risk with Facebook and meta and I'm proud of all that I do for Darlington and beyond.

I went to share a missing dog post to help today and realised I could only help with my group due to the choices of other groups.

I truly hope they understand how many people they'll be denying access to help to now, how many I'll no longer be able to support or help raise awareness or funds for because they removed me from their platforms.

That's okay though, I'll help with the platforms I still have and I'll show others how you actually support community and it isn't abuse enabling or taking sides, it's actioning real life positive change.

01:11am thoughts.

Take care, sleep tight and never let hateful sorts tell you who you are, especially when they've not even bothered to Google you or do their due diligence!

Sarah Wingfield ❤️

May delete the vent tomorrow, who knows...

Maybe I'm just talking to myself, maybe someone will listen, whatever happens it can happen tomorrow because I'm going to try and sleep.