Rainy days:

 

I managed to get a lift to the town today so I could drop off some goodies for the Great Aycliffe Cancer Support Group and their raffle and I'm pleased to announce my studies have come to an end! My friend donated a wonderful Halloween lush bath bomb set so I didn't turn up with just the jewellery. It was a pleasure to meet the ladies of the store today too.

My studies have come to an end just in time for the colder months which impact me way worse and I refer to as the 'torture' months.

I can feel everything, including my bones in this weather and it aches and twangs so badly, I genuinely feel like I've been thrown in an ice bath with a gajillion needles mixed in and I'm being stabbed everywhere, but I'm grateful for my pain management and I'm keeping going no matter what.

I'm trying to work my way towards getting a car and I've worked really hard to organise education for my son and sort all paperwork out as well as chase up things on his behalf, I've taken Fansify to court and received a copy of the CCJ today, there's also talk about potential reporters from a lady known as Roxy from Organise, but we shall see, I have sorted out my new blue badge and I'm awaiting my provisional in the post.

I've been making hard choices, sacrifices and continuously been educating myself to make sure I'm up to date with everything and a better asset to the disabled and neurodivergent communities, and my Young Lives versus Cancer fundraiser is coming to a close with a lovely £78 raised.

I'm constantly speaking to people about their conditions and seeing if any are willing to contribute towards my book, which will be an ongoing project over the next few years but one that will be an amazing, informative and accurate insight into the lives of people with different conditions and disabilities; hopefully allowing people to be educated and to raise awareness and help towards eradicating ableism.

I personally feel if more people understand then the better, they will judge less harshly and awareness is the key to change.

I have osteoarthritis now too, which I knew prior to diagnosis from hospital, as my hands and feet seize up and get stiff too, but despite the pain and agony, I try and focus on finding joy every day and changing bad experiences into positive ones or ways to be used or changed to help others; whether preventing them from enduring hardships or offering support whilst they endure them. I feel it's the least I can do and I'm so very proud of everything I have achieved.

I'm constantly working towards new goals and new missions and working with a range of charities constantly and that's how I feel we as people can make the world better than we found it.

My dog is happy and loved and provided for and keeps me laughing with how he behaves and his toys and my axolotl Ponyo is growing larger and into a nice little cute water critter.

I was hoping to make it to a local support group meeting tonight, but due to the weather and due to the fact I am attending the council meeting tomorrow and can't risk seizing up by being out in the rain for long lengths of time or walking in it, I have to accept that that's a no-go for me tonight.

I did email them but I doubt they'll get a chance to read it or find someone who drives past who could help me attend with them.

Disabilities prevent so much and create so many obstacles all of the time it's so hard to get people to understand, especially now I'm actually doing well for myself and changing my life because now they're just starting to use that against me to claim I'm not 'as disabled' as I am and that's just ludicrous.

I think I need to get my x-ray of my pelvis printed on a t shirt for people who get lost sticking their nose into other peoples lanes.

You're allowed not to explain yourself to people and you're allowed to not justify yourself, some people just want any reaction so they can respond with negativity no matter what you say or do and I'm finding my boundaries better and I'm saying no more and I'm being less lenient on people who are breaking my community groups rules or bringing drama to the community group.

It's there to help people and anyone who prefers antagonistic and negative behaviours over resolution and respect will be suspended and/or removed.

I don't have time to educate adults on how to behave online and I refuse to be a target for them, in the past I tried to reason and understand, I tried to break things down and fix things or hash things out but I'm learning more and more now that that's not always possible as some people are deliberately choosing to be irresponsible, unkind or abusive and you can't change that so they need to be suspended or blocked to avoid them creating chaos or escalating problems in the group.

It's a safe space for a reason.

I know I can come across as uppity sometimes and frankly I no longer care because I know my intentions and I know they're pure and no matter what you do people will always have their own views on you whether they're accurate or not, most likely not.

I'm still waiting to be matched with a child in the care system, which I won't be blogging about personally, due to confidentiality, but I can and will say I'm excited to be able to continue to help and find myself in unpaid positions that do make things better for others.

I wish I could find paid work of course but alas, life is what it is and I'm still working towards my business which has kind of been put on hold until SDEA continue their help with me and until I get a car and can actually progress and do stalls, fully equipped with liability insurance.

I have goals in place and determination so I will eventually reach them even if it has to be at a turtles pace and not a hare's.

I'm also realising that I've people pleased for too long and listening to joy+soul has been a great way to affirm myself and self-care.

I am thankful things will slow down for me now as I need to rest a lot more and endure the 'torture' months ahaha, but I still have ample to look forward to and have been enjoying the odd look out here and there with family and friends.

After lots of hard work and following Facebook rules and guidelines and jumping through a million and one hoops my Facebook is finally monetised again and I can accept subscriptions.

I hope people can see the hard work I do and how much my skills and experiences are actually needed and hope they invest in them and help me to continue to grow and help others.

The single life has also been a lot better, I'm yet to do my police interview as they need to allocate a mediator or 'person of support' for it and I'm processing everything better now and I'm understanding how narcissistic people work.

I did my best in trying to help the new lady protect herself and that's all I can do and I have upcoming podcasts with different charities to talk about coping methods and self-care after abuse.

I shared some images of my bruises today on an awareness post and I hope it will help to safeguard and support other women and people and remind people not to have anyone stay with them, no matter what, unless they've known them a long while.

The police I had originally spoken to whilst in such a relationship were unhelpful and said if I let him stay I deserve the abuse basically when I was crying and asking for their help to get him out of my property. Autism has impacted me and impaired me at times and that is also something I have to come to terms with and I'm thankful to have learned about so I can safeguard myself in future too.

I am worthy of safe spaces and being protected too and no one ever deserves any abuse.

Thank you for reading and for your continuous support,

Sarah Wingfield Author 🌹 

@KawaiiDollDecora ♡

www.magnoliaphotography.co.uk ♡

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